Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Strange Searchers

I don’t normally talk too much about the search terms that people use in somehow ending up at this site, mostly because everyone and their Mom already write posts of the same nature, but some of the keywords I’ve run across lately are compelling me. I would say that approximately 40% of them are searching for stats on “size of the human head” or “how much does a human head weigh?” For these people I say watch Jerry McGuire and you’ll have all the info you need from the spectacled little kid.

Then there are the depraved of our race that find their way to my doorstep (not literally, thank gawd). For whatever reason, these seem to run in peaks and valleys. “Big head cock” seems to be a favorite, along with “picture of” the same. One of the strangest was “human head inside an ass.” Good Lord, I’ve seen more than my share of the freaky, deviant, and disgusting, but I have a hard time believing that any variation of this is physically possible. Even if it is possible, why the hell are you tying to find it? Never mind, I don’t really want to know.

In the not-really-creepy-but-but-maybe-just-a-little category, we have “steeler dessert plates.” Why a little creepy? Ever since I was a kid I’ve been a creeped out by collectible utensils. I’m not sure why this is, but if I see collectible plates or silverware when I walk into a house my first instinct is to run right back out again. I think the root of this one is that my evil whore of a grandmother (don’t be so shocked, she’s one of the most evil people I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing) collected commemorative spoons, but I digress. No plates or spoons or anything commemorative on this blog at this time. Move along please.

(That just gave me an idea. Maybe I could bring these creepy demographics together and have plates featuring big head cocks of the world. A lot of strange cats would get their particular fix and I would profit! Not only that, but when people ask what I do for a living I can say, “I sell commemorative penises.” Goddamn if that isn’t almost as cool as being a Nougat Farmer.<--I think that is G-Rob’s but I can’t find the post—if anyone can help me out this lazy time-crunched guy would appreciate it)

I would certainly be remiss if I didn’t wind down with “I hate my big head.” For this sad soul I can only offer the following advice: Learn to love it, because you’re stuck with it, my friend. If you can’t do that then bone up on your head-butting that way you can teach people to respect it, at least. Besides, you know what they say about guys with big heads…

(Oh man I wish I had a funny penis joke here—I’m fresh out)

They fall down a lot as children.