Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I spent this last weekend watching the original BBC The Office, and boy oh boy was it better than its newest incarnation on NBC. I still tried to watch the NBC version last night in the hopes that I would still like it since it was “different”. No dice. The original is so far superior it’s difficult to put into words. It’s funnier, darker, and inevitably smarter than the current incarnation. I think I know why this version is so lame by comparison; it’s obvious that the writers on our US version have to censor themselves, whereas in the British version they didn’t (or, if/when they did, it wasn’t obvious). .

Stupid uptight network TV. Last night they did say ‘cock’ though, so it’s a step in the right direction, if only the smallest of baby steps. After all, if network TV got its panties out of its ass, what would happen to the children? Won’t someone please think of the children!

I know, I know. Why don’t I just stop watching NBC? Because NBC to me is like Bill Lambeer or Christian Laettner. I loved hating those guys, and I love hating NBC. Besides, since I’m spending all of my time working or studying at the moment (sprinkled liberally with blog posting and reading), bagging on them is something fun I can think about while slogging through the aforementioned drudgery.

Want more inane and wild theories? I’ve got’em. My newest hypothesis is that the McDonalds and Pizza Hut marketing heads must be related. I think the McD’s sibling must be the better of the two, because I can actually recall one or two McD’s commercials over my short lifetime that didn’t make me want to hurl. I cannot for the life of me EVER remember a Pizza Hut commercial that didn’t cause another small part of my soul to shrivel up and die. Here’s how I imagine the scene at a deep-thinking Pizza Hut marketing strategery meeting:

Hey Jim, we have this great new Pizza! Instead of being round, this one is..wait for it…SQUARE! AAAND, along with the sauce that’s on the pizza, we give people MORE sauce to dip it in! Is that genius or what?

Great job, Dick! How many toppings can they have?

Well Jim, Pizza Hut wants to be generous to their customers, so we’re giving them one topping, and get this…it will cover the WHOLE PIZZA.

Amazing, Dick, simply amazing. Where do you guys come up with this stuff?

Well, Jim, it’s a lot of hard work coupled with an undying commitment to giving the best value to our customers.

[nods of agreement and serious contemplation of a solemn duty move through the room]

So Ted, how are we going to market this?

Are you ready, Jim? Instead of our usual masterful promotion, we’re going with a two pronged marketing blitzkrieg. We’ll have a current star on the commercial, PLUS we’ll have a celebrity do the voice over!

Boy howdy, Ted! That’s fantastic! But who ever will we get?

We were thinking we’d get Jessica and Ashlee Simpson for the commercial, and have Queen Latifah do the voice over, Jim.

[murmurs and nod’s of assent. Ashlee Simpson, so hot right now. Ashlee Simpson.]

Why Queen Latifah, Ted?

Oh Jim, that should be obvious, but I guess that’s why I’m the marketing go to guy! [insert hearty corporate belly laugh here from all involved] We want Queen Latifah because she was in that movie Chicago, so white people know who she is now and like her. PLUS, she’s still got hip hop credentials from back in the day, so black people still like her as well.

Boy, you guys are really on the ball, Ted. Say, isn’t Queen Latifah in that new movie, ooh you know, the one with the taxi and that funny guy? I just think she’s great.

[more assenting nods and murmurs. Latifah, so hot right now. Latifah]

But, hey Ted? Won’t these people want to get paid a lot of money?

Well sure, Jim. But the cost we pass on to our customers will be negligible.

Any idea how much?

Well Jim, we plan on running a special. Get this. One medium one-topping (remember, it covers the WHOLE pizza) for $1014.99. But it doesn’t end there. You can buy an unlimited number of extra small size pizzas for only $249.99 each! (Terms and Conditions apply. See participating store for details.)

Nothing short of amazing, Ted. We are the Microsoft of Pizza. Hey I think I’ll pitch that to the board at the next country club meeting, they’ll really get a kick out of that….

[more nods and murmurs of assent]


That’s all I have for today. Meh, back to studying.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I'm Rick James, bitch!

After reading the flipchipro account of the WPT Championship final table, my action is clear. I must go to Vegas and study under Tuan Le, holder of the nth degree black belt in sucking out. I’m in no way implying the guy is a shitty player. To make it to the final table in one of these events is a feat unto itself, but this Championship news coupled with his recently aired win on television confirms that he has indeed communed with the Suckout Deities.

So when you’re down to the last of your chips and contemplating a “fuckit” all-in w/ that 8-3 off in EP, just put this in your memory banks as another shining example of being down but never truly out.

It’s like déjà vu all over again, get your tickets now:

WPBT WSOP Satellite Tournament
Poker Stars
May 1st, 7pm EST
$30 + 3 No-limit
One WSOP seat awarded for every 50 players

Here’s to hoping that I can join Bob in the WSOP fracas. Yeah, maybe I’ll enjoy going into work today, too. Prolly not gonna happen, but ya just never know.

I’ve lately found myself pondering many things about the upcoming WPBT event. We’re coming in the afternoon of the 2nd and flying out on the 6th, which effectively means that I have about 2.5 days to destroy myself. 60 Hours give or take. How will I stay awake the whole time? OK, I can’t, so I need to devise a strategy. Should I try to sleep in small shifts, or enlist some pharmaceutical help? For those of you who are more frequently degenerate, any suggestions and strategies are quite welcome (and I say “frequently degenerate” in the best possible sense, so please take no offense). Whatever strategy I devise, I fully expect it to crumble once Mrs. Head and I get caught up in the whirlwind.

What else am I pondering? Well, lots of stuff, but the thing that is in the forefront (and won’t leave) for the moment is this; IF I win a seat to the event, and IF I can muddle my way to a final table, and IF I can knock someone out on said televised final table…

And I hollered, “I’m Rick James, bitch!”, would Dave Chappelle try to sue me?

As you can see, I have been doing entirely too much TV watching and poker dreaming. Dreaming Big, but my head is still Much Bigger. Just look for the guy with the childish Bobby's World avatar who is misplaying his Hilton's, see you at the tourney!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Huge Junk = Huge Win

The tourney last night was great! All 15 minutes of it. Goddamn Hilton sisters. I felt better that Pauly and Maudie went out around the same time I did, but couldn’t shake the tainted feeling that exiting because of poor play inevitably leaves. So, while I watched the bloggers that were still alive, I entered in the $10+1 MTT, and proceeded to bust about 75 places short of the money. To say my play is less than stellar right now would be a gross understatement.

Bob bested the entire field to take the seat wielding his twice confirmed huge stack. He also just turned 29, so if you haven’t yet, stop by his site to congratulate him on his momentous week. I wonder if ESPN will air a bunch of drunks chanting “huge junk” when Bob goes all-in at the final table.