Friday, February 09, 2007

Spigot of Decay


Hip Hop Hooray, he's not gay!

It's old news by a couple of days, but the fact that I've been forced to spend more time on my back than Paris Hilton has prevented me from colorful commentary until now.

Pastor Ted is back!

After hitting bottom (as well as smacking it, flipping it, and rubbing it down) the pastoral sex machine is back and more heterosexual than ever before. After coming to grips with the fact he will no longer be able to preach his anti-gay message from the New Life platform he helped build, Ted will be moving away to start a new life and a new career with his wife (who he insists, post-intensive counseling, is 'way hotter than guys'). The two have said they will pursue Masters degrees in psychology online, and once again the cool winds of redemption are blowing through our collective hair.

But what will a counseling session with these two be like, circa 2010?

Woman: I love my husband but he keeps sleeping with men.
Ted: It happens.
Woman: Really?
Ted: Sure. Think about it. With so many hot guys walking around, how can he not?
Woman: **looks over at Gayle**
Gayle: **shrugs** Don't look at me, I'm just a woman.
Ted: Listen, the key here is to get right with God.
Woman: Whaddya mean? I didn't make my husband gay!
Ted: Are you sure about that?
Woman: What?
Ted: Do you have any kids?
Woman: Yes
Ted: Did you do your Kegel exercises? Do you know what those are? I know because I have a Master's Degree.
Woman: I tried to.....
Ted: Not hard enough, evidently. I fear that if your husband doesn't get therapy soon, he may get add meth to his man diet.
Woman: Why do you think that? My husband doesn't do drugs.
Ted: Trust me, meth goes great with gay sex. If he isn't now, he will be. By the way, is your husband hot?
Woman: I think so. What should I do, then? Wait, why did you just ask me that....
Ted: You don't need to know why--I have a Master's Degree.
Woman: **looks at Gayle again**
Gayle: You should pay attention to Ted, he's very close with God.
Ted: That's right. Here's what I propose. I'm going to schedule your husband for some intensive one on one therapy with me--should take about three weeks. Gayle will do some therapy with you to teach you how to be a better wife.
Woman: **looks at Gayle** He's kidding, right?
Gayle: C'mon, I'll show you some different ways to wash the taste of gay hooker out of your mouth....

Praise Jesus.


Monday, February 05, 2007

"The most significant pancakes of our time."--Hashimoto

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Getting Cut

The disc issues continue, and alas, so does the pain. I'm getting cut on early next week, and in delivering the news, the doctor's office informed me that until the surgery things such as ibuprofen are strictly verboten because they thin the blood and that's bad.

Basically, I'm stuck with the three T's. A tenns unit, Tiger Balm, and Tylenol. Here is a brief run down....

Tenns Unit--Many back injury sufferer's swear by these things, but I have yet to experience any meaningful pain-reducing results. It's not making it any worse, so I'm still using it just in case it suddenly decides to work some kind of transformative magic.

Tiger Balm--Simply is not the right tool for the job, as it is the heezy for muscle issues, but minimally beneficial for more serious issues. I use it anyway, because I love it, and it pisses off my dog which is always a good time. The suspicious look on his face when he hears the jar open is priceless.

Tylenol--Does this stuff work for anything? Seriously. I had less aches and pains before I started popping these.

Waiting eight more days like this is going to be a complete bastard. However, there should be some interesting post-surgery (read: narcotic haze) ruminations going on, so stay tuned.