Friday, August 18, 2006

A New Lease

I don’t have to be back at work until next Wednesday night. Cue serotonin.

While I’ve never been accused outright of being gay, there has certainly been speculation on the extent to which I’m in touch with my feminine side. I abhor hunting, do all of the household cooking, have mad ironing skillz, own more shoes than my wife, and couldn’t really give two shits about football (try as I might). However, as of yesterday the scales have been balanced, at least somewhat.

With so much work to be done on the new home, over the last month I’ve been acquiring some tools. Not a big deal, you say? For a guy with nothing but a shitty drill, some bits, and a few screwdrivers to his name, it’s a pretty big deal. As of yesterday, I can finally rest in the knowledge that I have a decent compliment of proper tools. An air compressor, compound mitre saw, and this. Alongside some other assorted smaller power tools and a fantastic find on a trimmer (seriously, you should get one of these; I used to use this one when I owned a lawn service and they are the heezy—you can see the weeds and brush shaking in the soil at your approach) I have secured the lease on my testicles for the next five years, with the option to renew.

I’m fairly bleeding testosterone, and will likely have to go piss on something soon.

There have been a few snatches of poker, too. I seem to be bubbling a lot over the last few days, but it’s cool for once. It’s amazing how much easier it is to stave off tilt when the reason for bubbling is a brutal beat vs. a donktastic play.

Then there are the HORSE games. I’m barely competent when it comes to HORSE (and that’s even a stretch) but most of these folks make me look and feel like a onewiththeuniverse HORSE Master. Holy hell, I can’t believe the suckitude and I’m oh so thankful for it.

Being the epitome of the deeply retarded and wholly inexperienced handyperson, I leave you with the following:

While purchasing some birch wood (for trim) at Home Depot yesterday, I noted that the price was $1.89. All I could think about was how my brother told me that trim could get pricey, and to be careful. I put 8 10-foot boards on my cart and just stood there, staring at the price.

I thought he said this was going to be expensive.

After five minutes or so, I headed to another aisle to get some quarter round pieces and found that they were priced at $3.79/length. Once more I stood, staring at the price.

Why the fuck is this crap more expensive than this birch wood?

So, I did what all retards do. I stood and stared some more. Then I went back to where I got the birch and stared at that for a while. Like an Abrams being attacked by a Daisy pellet gun, the obvious just didn’t sink in. Obviously I needed the audience that the checkout line would provide.

I sauntered up to the register in a euphoric tool haze. The lady rings up my stuff and I look at the register. Birch wood, 80 feet, $140. Pellets still bouncing off of the armor….

“Hey, those boards were only supposed to be $1.89 each. Why $140?

“That’s by the foot, honey.”

Negotiations on the aforementioned testicle lease were set back by a full day. I looked up and resigned myself to the giant Milwaukee’s Best can that would surely be dropping on my head at any moment.

Wood is sold by the foot. Don’t be like me.