Monday, May 07, 2007

Breaking News

I thought this might be important in light of the ever-widening (except scope of reporting) outreach of the tainted pet food recall.

Bulletin from yahoo health.

Dear Cheryl Koch M.S, R.D.,

Certainly this has been a momentous news day, your article being the icing on the proverbial cake. Since you were likely busy slaving over what must have been massive intellectual peaks to write such substantive material, there’s little doubt that you didn’t have time to learn what I did today. So, to demonstrate my gratitude for this neurological manna from the heavens, allow me to reciprocate in what ways I can by sharing the things that I learned today. I know it’s not much, but it’s all I have.

--The earth in fact IS round, something you probably already knew. What I bet you weren’t aware of was that it floats through this stuff/thing called “space.” Yeah, I know. Heavy. Let it take a while to sink in, and if you’re so inclined we can get more into the subject later. I’m warning you, it’s big.

--The pope, rather than being the godfather over a cadre of pedophiles—no not all of them, but still, a whole fucking lot --(who it seems must have been regularly sharpening his teeth since his ascendance to the pope throne, and who also looks a bit more like Bela Lugosi every day), are you sitting down, is CATHOLIC.

--Paris Hilton and her retinue of drunken minor celebrity debutantes, it turns out, really do not matter. Whatsoever. I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

--The craziest item of the day is that the sun came up this morning. Who could’ve seen that one coming? I mean, Jesus, it had been dark for like, 8 hours. Good thing I decided not to lay that C-note down on the homeless guy who gave me 1000-1 on the reappearance of that insidious Global Warmer (and by Global Warmer, I mean Earth Killer).

I do have a couple questions in closing, though.

Do they actually pay you money for writing this, or are you being blackmailed? What was it? Cocaine and hermaphrodite midgets? You can tell us.

How does it make you feel to have sold your soul?

Yours in incredulousness and anger,