More material to not take seriously. There's no North American Union. There's no such thing as the Amero. Quit talking crazy! There's no engineered implosion of the dollar. They wouldn't do that--the dollar can totally kick ass on all the other currencies, just like we're doing to the terrorists in Iraq.
What?
**listens in earpiece***
Oh.
Folks, allow me to apologize and correct myself. It appears my previous statements have been... inaccurate. The dollar, it turns out, is going away but is not being "imploded" as many crude and impolite people like to assert. Rather, it is being "phased out" to make way for newer, prettier money. In fact, hold on....
***listens in earpiece***
....yep, it's just in...scientific studies are just now being released to Wall Street and the public that, dear god, there may be a virus on the loose in the old dirty, germ-filled, dollars that everyone is carrying around. We don't have any word yet as to why the terrorists did this, but authorities are acting swiftly. The president has called together an emergency session of Plunge Protection Team: Extreme Recovery who have been planning for years, it seems, for just such a possibility. Wow, I don't know about you, but I just sleep better at night knowing that there are people this smart looking out for me.
Moving on in a continuation of the previous news exclusive, the solution is called the Amero--and here's how much these guys are looking out for us. They knew that if the day ever came, like I'm getting word it has, that the terrorists attacked our money then we would need new money. The transition would be a rough one, so they built features in to make the transition easier. Brand new tracking technology for your security, and it's prettier!
All authorities and Homeland Volunteer Deputies will be carrying around receptacles to help you protect yourself by getting rid of your cash and will give you a voucher for the new and improved Amero. Get there fast because there aren't many bills to go around. This is a feature of the PPT: ER progressocentric pragmatacists plan so that there will be less cash for terrorists to attack. If you move too slow, you'll be stuck with electronic Ameros which aren't nearly as neat but are very virus free.
**begin ticker bar scroll**
The Department of Homeland Security has issued a warning that all tainted money must be purged from the system and that any US currency not turned in to a Homeland Security Authorized Drop Station within 72 hours will be considered "terrorist weaponry". In accordance with Homeland Security's new "zero tolerance" policy, all those carrying such weaponry will be terminated with extreme prejudice for the greater security of the United States people.
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**loop**
We are going to be the envy of the globe with the new Amero. There's even talk in the wind of putting an American Idol on the front of the $1000. I didn't tell you? Of course there will be thousand dollar bills, is that not the coolest thing you've ever heard? There is already an upgrade scheduled to incorporate the addition of 10,000 bills in 6-8 months. That should silence the traitorous outcry of the freakish few that said complete privatization was a bad idea. If there weren't corporate efficiency, we wouldn't even be thinking of a 10,000 bill yet. Hah! Those coservoliberals always make me laugh.
Everyone is going to be rich! Eat me Bill Gates, I'm a billionnare too!
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