Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Monkey Tales

On the heels of Mrs. Head’s “I miss you guys” post, this day is compelling me to do something similar, as summed up in this story of a co-worker. For the purposes of my little story, we’ll just call her “M.”

What M lacks in brains, she makes up for in, well, ummm, nothing. I was approximately 0.3 minutes into working with her on her first day when I found myself on google trying to find some kind of results on Affirmative Action for Semi-Functioning Vegetables. My monkey pen is in a separate office off of the main administrative space for our company in the building, and my work luck being eerily similar to that of my card luck, M is seated in the monkey pen right next to me. M rambles on and on, constantly narrating her own existence and thought processes for anyone within earshot. Here are some gems as of late:

  • Why can’t I find Nouveau (a local salon) in the phone book? There’s New Horizons, New Point, but no New Voe? Can somebody help me? (**destroys eardrums with dull screwdriver**)
  • Women are usually much more meticulant than men, hee hee hee. Meticulant? Yeah, is that not right? Umm, I think meticulous is the word you’re looking for. Really? Nuh-uuuuh. You’re just messing with me, right? (**rips own tongue out**)
  • Why won’t this thing work? (referring to cell phone) I dial a number and hit the red call button and nothing happens! I’ve tried it five times now and it still won’t work! I think it might be broken. (No, dear reader, I’m not kidding)
  • How come no one is answering me? Is anyone in here? (**shoot self in the FACE. Concentration broken for the umpteenth time**)
  • I don’t see how my butt is so big. I walk up and down the stairs at my house lots. (**there are no words**)

And so it is, day after day after day after day. M is one of the faces of our business that other local businesses see. Ordinarily I would cringe in horror but this being Kansas, she does pretty well. This alone is indication enough for me that the apocalypse is truly nigh.

So, fast-forward to yesterday. I’m still getting over the last remnants of Gracie Ebola and am in no mood given the fact that I’m still also mired in an ongoing pitched inter-work battle with “She who will not be named.” M, of course, in her blissful state of full-on ignorance, takes the opportunity to test the boundaries of my patience, yet again.

“Hey, Jeremiah! Are you over there?”
**channels Napolean Dynamite** “Yeees”
“How was Las Vegas?”
“It was good. Best trip ever, in fact.”
“I’ve been to Vegas. I like it. I like playing roulette, but it’s hard to figure out.”
“…..” (**trying to remember the number for 911 because my brain has just locked up due to being completely incredulous**)

I’m drowning in a sea of anti-hope. How many months till the next one? Christ, I miss everyone terribly.


I’ll try to get in another post or two before the holidays, but if I don’t…

Happy ChrismaHanuKwanzikah!