Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Sniff a Clam...(if you dare)

I want that bitch's job.....
-My Wife (referring to Vanna White)

Don’t ask me why we had Wheel of Fortune on. It was a long day and I think she was just zoned out and too lazy to change the channel while I ran around in preparation for an evening of laziness and writing.

This morning, as I went through the new blog postings all over the ether, Bob’s post stopped me cold. It was pretty eerie, seeing on the page that which I had planned on ranting about, nearly verbatim. So thanks, Bob. You stole my proverbial thunder, and now I have to do some rewriting. Seriously though, it was kind of cool seeing someone who’s views were so similar to my own (or is it the other way around since he posted it first?). What the hell, I’m gonna rant anyway, since my wife insists on watching a group of overweight folks cry a lot and try to get healthy on NBC. Nothing gets me in a ranting mood quite like that channel, so off we go…..

The more advertising I see, the less I want to buy…
-Switters from Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates

I long for TV without crap advertising. I long to suckle pure programming milk from the glass teat. However, the milk is only becoming more tainted, along with any other form of media that requires eyeballs. I know, I could get a TIVO, and I still may, but with the continuous concerted effort to actually make it ILLEGAL to skip commercials, I foresee that a TIVO will be for naught within the next five years. Man, this is one of the times I REALLY hope that I’m wrong. If you haven’t heard about any of the things of this nature (is that an Arnold-ism?) that big business and Congress is trying to push through under our collective noses, start looking around. It’s out of mainstream sight, but really not too hard to find, and believe me, once you do find it you’re going to be PISSED (or should be, in my mind).

Anyway, back to the rant. Let’s hit Reality TV first, as that’s what is currently cascading over me. Reality TV, with all of the creative editing, and NOT CREATIVE product placement. I have nothing against product placement, per se, but goddamn it, the least they could do is TRY and blend it in. Then again, perhaps it really isn’t worth their time, considering the average IQ runs in the mid-90’s coupled with copious amounts of apathy. The Today Show isn’t news, it’s an advertising/marketing/mind control device. It’s consumer masturbation. Now this junk is even running over into video games, with EA (Electronic Arts) being the NBC of that particular industry. NBC=Useless vacuous crap + boatloads of ever increasing, awful advertising.

Here’s the thing…I don’t have anything against advertising or product placement as concepts, especially when done well. How else is a business supposed to grow and succeed, right? However, thanks to the decency police (see: FCC + parents of suburbia), and some creative ‘looking the other way’ in regards to decency (see my Herpes and Boners post) all we are left with is 99% crap. I swear, even if it was a mediocre product, I would support one that actually made some kind of outrageous or entertaining statement. Imagine if a seafood restaurant actually came out with a commercial in which they stated, “Come Sniff our Clams.” I would rush out and eat there. If Hummer actually said something to the effect of, “You’ll have the biggest penis EVER if you buy one of these”, I would laugh my ass off and most likely want to run out and buy one of those, too. Spare me the succulent-ness of your crablegs, and spare me your pre-pubescent off-roading wet dreams. They’ve all been done already and I’m bored out of my skull. Don’t even get me started on AOL and their ilk, as my head might explode. Considering it’s size, that would be quite a mess.

I’ll wrap things up by talking about how my life IS The Truman Show. I swear to you, dear reader, I am not making this up. I wish I was, because just when I don’t think I can grow any more annoyed by it, I do. Case in Point: On (I believe) our second date, I told my wife about my Truman Show life. She just laughed, thinking that I was waxing witty or something. Fast-forward six months, and we’re newly married. We leave at about 4:30 AM to go from Boise to Vegas for our honeymoon, and I had been bitching for the last few days as they had been more Truman-ish than normal. Our townhouse was in an EXTREMELY quite and low activity neighborhood. Yet, at 4:30 AM, I was nearly in a wreck as I pulled out onto the street and a monster truck came roaring by doing about 60. She was now a believer, as we did not see one other single sign of life the entire way out of our neighborhood. I am happy as a clam (a sniffable one, at that) now having someone to testify that I am not simply full of shit. I’m happier still that I can now add Bob to the list of someone who suffers from this awful affliction. I wish I knew how I got it, because I would sure like to get rid of it. Maybe I should start a foundation and begin lobbying for some new dumbass law to cater to my new made-up discriminated minority. The time is certainly politically ripe for such a move. I’m not sure why I decided to ramble about this, but it sure felt good.

I didn’t get any poker in at all last night or tonight. My head has been too post-work jumbled to play well. Why is it that I expect things to get progressively easier at work as the holidays draw near, when the reality is always the exact opposite? I strongly suspect it’s because I’m an idiot….

Remember kids, always Think Big, whether or not your head is Much Bigger.