Monkey Tales

On the heels of Mrs. Head’s “I miss you guys” post, this day is compelling me to do something similar, as summed up in this story of a co-worker. For the purposes of my little story, we’ll just call her “M.”

What M lacks in brains, she makes up for in, well, ummm, nothing. I was approximately 0.3 minutes into working with her on her first day when I found myself on google trying to find some kind of results on Affirmative Action for Semi-Functioning Vegetables. My monkey pen is in a separate office off of the main administrative space for our company in the building, and my work luck being eerily similar to that of my card luck, M is seated in the monkey pen right next to me. M rambles on and on, constantly narrating her own existence and thought processes for anyone within earshot. Here are some gems as of late:

• Why can’t I find Nouveau (a local salon) in the phone book? There’s New Horizons, New Point, but no New Voe? Can somebody help me? (**destroys eardrums with dull screwdriver**)
• Women are usually much more meticulant than men, hee hee hee. Meticulant? Yeah, is that not right? Umm, I think meticulous is the word you’re looking for. Really? Nuh-uuuuh. You’re just messing with me, right? (**rips own tongue out**)
• Why won’t this thing work? (referring to cell phone) I dial a number and hit the red call button and nothing happens! I’ve tried it five times now and it still won’t work! I think it might be broken. (No, dear reader, I’m not kidding)
• How come no one is answering me? Is anyone in here? (**shoot self in the FACE. Concentration broken for the umpteenth time**)
• I don’t see how my butt is so big. I walk up and down the stairs at my house lots. (**there are no words**)

And so it is, day after day after day after day. M is one of the faces of our business that other local businesses see. Ordinarily I would cringe in horror but this being Kansas, she does pretty well. This alone is indication enough for me that the apocalypse is truly nigh.

So, fast-forward to yesterday. I’m still getting over the last remnants of Gracie Ebola and am in no mood given the fact that I’m still also mired in an ongoing pitched inter-work battle with “She who will not be named.” M, of course, in her blissful state of full-on ignorance, takes the opportunity to test the boundaries of my patience, yet again.

“Hey, Jeremiah! Are you over there?”
**channels Napolean Dynamite** “Yeees”
“How was Las Vegas?”
“It was good. Best trip ever, in fact.”
“I’ve been to Vegas. I like it. I like playing roulette, but it’s hard to figure out.”
“…..” (**trying to remember the number for 911 because my brain has just locked up due to being completely incredulous**)

I’m drowning in a sea of anti-hope. How many months till the next one? Christ, I miss everyone terribly.

*tear**sniff**hugs*

I’ll try to get in another post or two before the holidays, but if I don’t…

Happy ChrismaHanuKwanzikah!

3950 at Mandalay Bay

After two days that brought increasing physical punishment, Rachel and I found ourselves in the midst of Sportsbook Sunday at Mandalay Bay. Mandalay is a great casino and every time I’m there I wonder why I don’t visit more often. For some reason it just never makes it to the top of my priority list. Because I never seem to have enough time ending up in the “spare” column, sports haven’t been very high on my list for many years, but for a group of folks like this I was looking forward to making the time. I got the crash course on ponies from BG and found myself shocked when, $40 later, I hadn’t hit one single solitary horse and had to accept the fact that I was not the clairvoyant expert I secretly hoped I would be. I missed Al’s gold medal finish on the stairs and quickly learned that, in my case, betting the ponies is NOT where it’s at. Perhaps I’ll surround myself with Al and Iggy for some football bets on the next one.

While looking for lunch that didn’t have a intestine destroying “Mc” in front of it or “o-rama” on the end, Rachel and I scouted out some of the restaurants in the casino. There were several likely candidates for a nice dinner, but I was particularly intrigued by 3950. I mentioned it to BG, and before I knew it a group had formed for a final meal before folks had to leave. It took about an hour just to exit the sportsbook because so many in the group were departing, which I hated. I wanted everyone to come, and rest assured that if I ever win an obscene amount of money I will be taking over a similar establishment for a true “group” meal. Goodbye’s wound up and Rachel and I, BG, Bill, THG, April, and Prof, all set out in search of gastronomical delights. Then we got lost. I blame the exhaustion, but we finally found what we were looking for.

3950

It was the modernity of the place that initially intrigued me. The tables were set in appropriately sleek fashion, replete with a triangular stainless-steel type of plate. Hmmm, definitely unusual. Whereas most restaurants have their menus displayed for passers-by in the usual shadowbox, 3950 has LCD screens. While I prefer the more old-fashioned method of display, this was definitely a departure from the ordinary that grew my desire to see what the place was all about.

As our group walked inside I was a bit worried about our not having any reservations. We were informed that a table could be had in fairly short order, and would we like to have a drink at the bar? Why yes, we would. Can we smoke at the bar? Yes? Jackpot.

Cocktails

BG was nice enough to pick up the first round of cocktails, a favor that I’ll be sure to return on the next trip. Per usual, I went with the drink that is my personal measuring stick for any establishment, a Grey Goose martini, up, bleu cheese stuffed olives if you have them, and very fucking dry. I’m really not kidding here. Very. Fucking. Dry. Rachel also went the measuring stick route, which for her is a Cosmopolitan.

To the bartender, Chris, I must extend my effusive thanks.

My martini was perfect. Only the slightest hint of vermouth rode out on the back end following the first cold swallow, a beautiful thing. I was slightly amazed that they actually had the bleu cheese olives I desired, but the look on the bartenders face said that he would be shocked if it were any other way. I was additionally satisfied at the size of the drink itself, as nothing begins to kindle annoyance quite like paying $10-12 for a cocktail and finding that it’s no bigger than the drinks found at the most middle of the road joints.

I would have to take my shoes off and then some to count the number of times that Rachel has ordered a Cosmo, only to find the resulting drink to be the color of cherry Kool-Aid and the consistency of Robitussin doing its damndest to drown the erroneously included cherry. Ugh. The 3950 Cosmopolitan, however, was a resounding success. Wonderfully light pink in color with a lemon twist, it was deceptively gentle, just as a Cosmo should be.

As an extra bonus, while perusing the wine list BG found a favorite from his namesake vineyard, which the bartender promptly decanted so it had time to breathe before the meal. I don’t think that I was alone when I said a small prayer of thanks for knowledgeable and professional bartenders like Chris.

Try as I might to find something wrong, I just couldn’t. A perfect 10 for cocktails.

Meal

With cocktails winding down, our party was seated at the big round table that dominated the middle of the dining area. The aforementioned stainless-steel plates were promptly whisked away, which was mildly disappointing. I guess I will have to locate my own if I want that particular experience. Our waitress began by asking me what sort of water I would like and commenced rattling off the various incarnations of bottled, inevitably arriving at the lowly “tap.” In the middle of the water litany I heard “Fiji”, a favorite of mine, so I went with that. I thought that I was just ordering for me, but before I could correct anything, it was being poured all around. My apologies to the group for the mistake as I know that name brand waters, both in price and principle, are annoying to many.

I refrained from ordering any appetizers because, generally, I find that I can’t finish my entrée if I do. While everyone else ordered their appetizers, the bread arrived. The bread itself was nothing unusual, the typical collection of differing types of rolls and flatbreads, but one thing stood out. At the bottom of each basket was a hot stone, something that I have not seen anywhere else. While I’m sure that this isn’t the first restaurant to do such a thing, it was a pleasant surprise for someone like me seeing it for the first time.

My normal entrée measuring stick is a steak of some sort, and 3950 had a nice selection available. I went with the bone-in ribeye (as did about half of our party), while Rachel decided on the lamb. Unable to resist any longer, I also ordered the Mac and Cheese w/ lobster and truffles to be brought out with our meal. We paired our order with a middle of the road Pinot Noir, a 2001 Martinelli.

As the food arrived, everything looked and smelled wonderful, as expected, and everyone dug in with little fanfare. Our pinot was medium in body and strength and paired well with our order, although it couldn’t lift the meat above what it was: Okay. That isn’t to say that it wasn’t delicious, I just wasn’t blown away like I had hoped. It was a huge chunk of ribeye, and it was cooked very well, but somehow it still wasn’t IT. Being slightly underwhelmed with the meat, I ventured into combo bite territory, having a bit of steak with a bite of the Mac and Cheese, a good combination that lifted my taste buds off of their even keel for a short while. Rachel reported the same with her order of lamb; very good but nothing absolutely special, which is likely obvious by this point considering the distinct lack of flowery and melodramatic adjectives in the description.

I originally would have gone with a 7 for this meal, but due to the wonderful 3950 Mac and Cheese, I feel compelled to bump it up to an 8. Please don’t read dissatisfaction into it. The meal as a whole was very, very good. I just can’t in good conscience call it the food alone “great.”

Service and Miscellaneous

Our group was about three quarters of the way through our meal when I found myself wondering why I hadn’t given the service any consideration. The answer to my self-imposed question was that I didn’t need to. It was so good that I had failed to consider it altogether. Extraneous silverware was promptly removed, and water and other drinks never even got below the halfway mark in the glass. Appetizers and entrées were perfectly timed and coordinated. Waiters and bus-people were everywhere and nowhere, pulling off the feat of never really being seen but ensuring that everything was in its proper place at the proper time and that an enjoyable meal continued unabated.

Bravo.

I found the red leather chairs to be very comfortable for a long meal such as the one we engaged in, and even though it’s something I never would have considered, the purple velour booths surrounding the edge of the dining room seemed a perfect fit. Being someone that loathes sports bars in general, I found that the (42”?) flat-panel television in the bar area showing the Detroit Lions game didn’t seem out of place whatsoever, even though I would have probably fainted from the horror had I simply heard tell of it. 3950 managed to bring a lot of seemingly disparate things together into one very pleasing décor.

Dessert was about the same as the meal itself; very good but nothing completely stand-out. The presentation of the desserts ordered by the group, however, was absolutely beautiful and more than made up for what it may have lacked in substance or taste. So much so, in fact, I even took a picture, one of only five that I took for the entire trip.

Oh, hell. How did I almost forget the bathrooms? Truly, the word fantastic doesn’t even begin to describe it. The pattern in the black marble tile covering the walls and floor made me feel as though I was encased in some sort of Jackson Pollack bubble, causing me to feel comfortably isolated while taking care of the necessary necessaries (how’s that for dancing around unpleasant bodily function?). Right next to the toilet was a small LCD television also showing the same Detroit game viewable at the bar. The sports bar thing again, but not. It didn’t seem out of place at all. The crowning achievement of this oasis for bodily function, though, was far and away the tooth brush kits. This was another first for me. Boxes containing individually wrapped toothbrushes and paste were stacked neatly on a shelf right by the sink. After eating a rich meal it was the perfect thing to send me on my way feeling refreshed and ready to continue the evening.

Overall, I give 3950 at Mandalay Bay a solid 9. The décor was modern but intimate, providing a welcome respite from the rigors of the hard-partying weekend. The perfect service let us focus on the good company we had along with the meal, providing a perfect segue out of town for those whose time was up. Don’t bother coming here if you’re food budget frugal, but if you’re looking to spend on a really nice meal your money won’t be wasted.

Ooh, ith a lady REDUX

From the desk of Mrs. Human Head

Monday night in the Head Household:

“I want to write a guest post. I miss everyone”

“So write one”

“But I don’t know what to write”

“Sure you do. There’s a million shits to write about”

I guess one truly has no excuse when the existence of a million shits to write about is right there in front of them. I am especially moved to try to write something because, after returning to work and telling the tales (some of them) to co-workers, they SO didn’t get it. I need to talk to you guys. You get it. So here I am, feeling overwhelmed with the things that I want to say to all of you who helped to make this gathering even better (who would have thought) than the last.

If I were to say to Spaceman how great it was to see him again, and to meet his wonderful wife, I wouldn’t really know where to begin. We ran into them before we had met up with anyone else and it was a great pleasure getting to sit down and talk with them before all of the full-on partying began.

At the MGM, many people were instantly recognizable: Maigrey, Gracie, Helixx, and Maudie, to name but a few (this is where the events get a bit fuzzy) and I would like to tell all of them that this was not near enough time together, but I’m not sure I would know how to put it into words. I can’t wait until next time in Vegas, the next gathering at the boat house, or any other excuse to get together.

Some of the other faces that I got to see a little bit more of, though still not enough include Joe Speaker and his lovely wife, Joaquin, Stb and Mr. and Mrs. Can’t Hang (sorry, Eva). I would be especially hard pressed to say how great it was to meet Mrs. Speaker or to adequately thank Mr. Speaker for joining my hubby in a demonstration of faith in my mad roshambo skills.

Getting to sit down for a wonderful dinner with BG, Poker Prof, April, Bill Rini and OnTHG was a definite highlight. Something that we don’t get to do too often ‘round these parts (of hell) is enjoy a nice dinner with others that appreciate something more highbrow than Applebee’s or On the Border.

Also, there were several new faces that I had a great time getting to talk with (and in some cases, take their money): Change100, BigMike, FTrain (thanks), Fact Girl, Poker Stage, Daddy, TrumpJosh, TP, and Phil Gordon (thanks).

Most of all, I really wouldn’t know how to describe the fun I had with those that we spent probably the most time with: Pauly, Derek, Iggy, Spaceman (though not enough time with Rachel) and Jaxia. You guys are amazing and I had more fun than I would have thought possible.

So, there it is. Words are not even remotely adequate for summing up my feelings about such a great group of people that, through the organizational genius of many, and several unseen forces have all found one another. It doesn’t seem possible.

Thanks Everyone!

Two Fevers

I was going to try to do a thorough documentation of the shenanigans of the WPBT event, but now that I’m over the sickness and combing my way through the other accounts out there I don’t really think it’s necessary. Most of the stories are best when related orally or not at all. Four days of “you needed to be there” moments (i.e. meeting Daddy) that make get-togethers like these the place you should be and make them worth every penny you’ll spend getting there.

Calling the last 10 days “A Tale of Two Fevers” would likely be the most appropriate. I started out with the –EV fever. Video poker and Let it Ride were the sickness inducing games, along with a bit of craps at Casino Royale and some slots with Drizz at Excalibur. I knew it was time to just let it go when Pauly and Derek started giving me hell by saying I’m going to start a Let it Ride strategy blog. Seriously, I haven’t had the fever like that since my very first trip to Vegas. Thank goodness I’m normally more under control. Once that fever broke, there was, of course, Gracie’s Championship Fever. The less said about that nasty thing, the better, even though I can’t seem to stop talking about it. That fever is also gone but I still have a nice cough that I’m more than sure has absolutely nothing to do with the cigarettes. Seriously, I smoked enough this last week to make Joe Camel look like the poster child for clean living. Camel should sponsor me if for no other reason than to serve as a warning to others.

It’s been trumpeted a thousand times already, but I’m going to say it again. This event was all about the people and the great conversations. And the partying. And the gambling. For me, that’s the order. 2005 was a nasty whore of a year, and while my body is still broken to an extent, many thanks to all of the fine people in this community that I got to spend some time with. Many additional thanks to all of the people that I met for the first time. I would try to link all of you, but I have to go to work sometime today :) Please know that it was an absolute pleasure. My soul feels rejuvenated, and I’m walking into ’06 with a glad heart and a much brighter outlook.

Last, but certainly not least, the biggest thanks of all should go out to the folks who helped set things up and keep them in order. Bill, Otis, Stars, Fulltilt, the Imperial Palace and staff, and likely a host of others I’m forgetting or never even knew about. Cheers to all of you.

Here are some things on the way:

• A review of 3950 at Mandalay Bay
• A review of Bouchon at the Venetian.
• A review of Mon Ami Gabi at Paris

That’s right, while degenerating for four days I also decided to play restaurant reviewer.

Friday

Mmmmmm, blogger flu, what a wonderful thing. I’m not really complaining, though. It’s my own damn fault for hugging people even though I knew they weren’t feeling well. It also gave me the excuse I needed to stay home today. It’s nice to sit, write, and watch all of my DVR’d Family Guy episodes I haven’t seen yet while running a fever. Before I even get this thing started, just let me say that my sleep deprived and other-than-sober condition the entire time may lead to several omissions and/or miscellaneous story fuck-ups. Feel free to correct me if necessary.

Arriving in Vegas, all signs pointed to good. The line at the taxi stand was short and moving quickly, and after grabbing our bags we were off to the IP in less than 20 mins. Our cab driver was seriously kicking ass, and not one to put up with any shit from the Las Vegas traffic he took us on a ride through a maze of rear casino roads and tunnels that I couldn’t even begin to recollect. Good cabbies definitely have an underappreciated skillset. The entrance to the IP had me a bit worried. The line was long and it looked at if the Harrah’s renovations were no shit underway. However, the check-in staff was friendly and efficient and before we knew it we were off to find our room.

Whoever designed the IP must have been on some kind of Escher bender minus the artistic bent. I have paranoid tendencies and the layout of the IP only served to inflame those, convincing me that the only purpose of the place was to study how people move in a convoluted environment. Our room was one of the non-renovated and was a bit run down, but the bed was serviceable and one can’t really complain for $30/night.

First things first, must find poker room. It wasn’t the greatest, but hell, it certainly wasn’t the worst I’ve ever seen in my life. Relieved that things weren’t as bad as the reviews that I read, Rachel and I headed to the Burger Palace which had burgers but was definitely not a palace. If you are like me and are inclined to being large this may not be the best choice for comfortable seating. I was about an inch away from being actually squeezed into the booth. We spent a bit of time talking to Shelly, and then decided to roam around for a bit and siesta prior to the MGM mixed game get together. Touring the IP floor we spotted BadBlood who looked a little beat sick…again. I was feeling for the guy because he has been kicked in the junk more times in Vegas than one person really ever should be, unless of course it’s Grubby, who has also been on the receiving end of vicious beats for far too long. I predict big wins for both on the next trip—they are both great players who are due. I know that someone can not really be “due”, but I’m going with it anyway.

Once Rachel and I were amidst the clanking, blinging, and general dealertainer mayhem the idea of a nap took a quick back seat. So if we weren’t going to nap, what the hell now?

Cocktails!

Let me back up for a second. Speaking of cocktails, I spent $30 on a (small) bottle of Hennessy at the IP, only to find it at the Aladdin convenience store a couple of days later cheaper by a full third. I’m an impatient idiot, but I know now why they could give us the cheap rooms :)

We settled on a couple of Heinekens and some video poker, and it wasn’t long until I heard, “Look at the size of that freakin’ head!”

Spaceman had arrived with his lovely wife, also named Rachel and good times at the Geisha bar ensued. I was nice to get some quality time hanging out with both of them and talking about the high hopes everyone has for the upcoming year. None of us had any idea at the time how much awesomeness (can I use that word?) was in store.

I was a few (about 10) cocktails deep at the MGM when Rachel tapped me on the shoulder for $10 so she could challenge F-Train to a little Roshambo. I was a little nervous at the prospect-I remembered tales of his Roshambo skills, but whatthefuck, it’s Vegas, right? Rachel-1 F-Train-0. I’m rich, bitch!

High on the sweet combination of alcohol, a free $10, and my lady getting into the gambling spirit, I heard someone mention Phil Gordon being in the poker room. I can’t remember who had the idea first, but I began pushing her to go challenge him. She demurred, as she always does, and I pulled out a C-note to show her I wasn’t kidding. Joe Speaker quickly added the extra necessary backup pressure with a C-note of his own.

“I’ve got some of that action!”

That settled it. No way was I letting her skills go to waste with such an obvious opportunity in front of us. Besides, it’s not like Phil is going to snub a hot blond chick. They say that luck is nothing more than preparation meeting opportunity. We had the opportunity and I dare say the beer couldn’t have had us better prepared.

With Joe and I basically forcing her in front of us, we arrived at the NL table where Phil was playing. I tapped him on the shoulder and upon turning around and seeing us it was too late for Rach to back out. She found her sack and smacked the $200 on the table, uttering one thing, “Roshambo.”

“You want to Roshambo for $200?” asked Phil while swiftly stacking 8 green chips and standing up. He was every bit as tall as you’ve heard.

“What rules are we playing? 2 out of 3? Best of 7? The questions were rapid-fire, designed to intimidate and get in her head. I proudly looked on, as Rachel was having none of this.

“Two out of three, let’s go,” she said while holding out her tiny fist.

1,2,3! Scissors vs. Paper. Rachel-1. I scream out, “Oh, SNAP!”

1,2,3! Rock vs. Paper. Phil Gordon-1. Oh boy.

1,2,3! Rock vs. Rock. Tie. Tension mounting, people are getting quieter.

1,2,3! Rock vs. Rock. Tie. Tension is high now. All I can do is mutter, “C’mon baby. Get this motherfucker…” Joe leaned over, “Don’t worry dude, she’s got him.”

1,2,3! Paper vs. Rock. Rachel-2 and the WIN! Flurry of high-fives and I pick up Rach while screaming something to the effect of “That’s my lady!” I’m sure I made quite an ass of myself, but even as I sit here and write about it in a sober condition I still don’t care. It was beautiful. Joe summed it up best….

“Greatest gambling moment of my life.”

Mine too, sir, mine too. Truly a night for the people.

Hanging on by a thread

We're home now, safe and sound. Okay, safe, but certainly less than sound. I feel like a Yugo that decided playing chicken with an 18-wheeler would be a good idea. I will be spending the next few days perusing the specials at Lungs-n-Livers R Us and hope I can stave off whatever disease that carrier monkey Gracie was incubating.

Upon arriving in Vegas, I believe that a brain will quickly divide its inter-cranial territory up into two regions. One half I’ll call “Reasonable”, and the other I’ll brand as “Ridiculous”. This is always what I think of when I hear someone talking about “R & R” in Vegas. You start out in the middle between the two, but sooner or later the juggernaut of Vegas forces you off the road to one side or the other. This being our Christmas trip after a difficult and annoying year, we went ahead and took the “Ridiculous” exit immediately.

To wit:

Dropping the Hammer on video poker at the Geisha Bar at 8 AM after 8 Heini’s and no sleep. Time. After. Time. In retrospect, constantly drawing to the Hammer Nuts may not have been a good idea, especially considering how difficult it is to hit a Royal Flush when implementing this “they’ll never see me comin’” strategy.

4.25 Days, approximately 14 hours of sleep. Upon waking I will commence documenting what was, in my opinion, the best one yet.

Brief Highlights

All right boys and girls, gather around for a little story. It’s gonna be a great one. You might laugh, you might cry, but most likely you will just be confused. Don’t’ worry yourself, though, you won’t be any more confused than I am at the moment.

The total trip time for the Mrs. and me is about 4.25 days. It is now about 4:30 PM on Day 3 (Monday) and I’ve been up for the last 38 hours, moving for about 30 of those. Sitting here at the wobbly table in our hotel room, I am having trouble coming up with words to describe the whirlwind of the last three days and there is still over a full day left to go. Here are a couple of tidbits…

--(Friday) You knew this was coming, but I found myself Human-Bobbleheaded drunk at the MGM mixed game. Poker played on Friday=0. I did get to meet Daddy, though, a rare and important event. That guy is a role model.
--(Friday) Mrs Head wins a $20 Roshambo match with F-Train (former blogsphere master champeen and all around helluva guy). Joe and I each put $100 on her to challenge and beat Phil Gordon at Roshambo. She does so with style in front of a packed poker room. I vaguely remember yelling “Oh, tits!” or “Oh, snap!” or something to this effect and then carrying her on my shoulders for a small victory lap. I’m a fookin’ reatard. Phil Gordon=Tilted. DonkeyPuncher really is Usher. Thanks, Commish!
--(Saturday) The tornado finally touched down (what other metaphor did you expect me to use? I’m live in fuckin’ Kansas) and the day goes by in a complete blur with all of the tourney festivities. The highlight of my day was taking $5 off Wil when I picked StudioGlyphic for the win. Thank God I actually scratched out a few notes, because the bar was open like a porn star with a deep itch to scratch. Worry not, we beat that thing inside out. The only poker of the day was played in the tournament, where I exited around 63rd. Poorly played on all streets is all I can say about that, but I did drop the hammer on Shelly.
--(Sunday) Betting on horses at the sportsbook and hanging out with the group. There was a lot of pain as, once again, the Chiefs choked and I didn’t hit a single damn horse. Licked my wounds at 3950 in Mandalay Bay with Mrs. Head, BG, Bill Rini, THG, April, and PokerProf. I’ll have my thoughts on the restaurant in a few days, but the one thing I do know is that our waitress made at least $300 in tips from that meal. Brutal but worth it.
--(Monday, 9 AM) I haven’t slept the entire night. Played craps with Mrs. Head, Jen Leo, Biggestron, CJ, Travis, Royal, Jaxia, and Pauly at the Casino Royale after a bender in the AlCanthang Crew Penthouse. Left at around 3 AM (maybe it was later) to continue bending and ended up in a 2/4 game at the IP with Iggy, TP, Pauly, Derek, Jaxia, and later in the early morn, GeekandProud. Ridiculous pots. I counted a total of four hands that weren’t live-straddled and played in the dark. Suckout donkey fun of the highest caliber, with the extra bonus being the extreme tilt of four different 2/4 pro’s who were sitting at the table when we took it over. Left the game at about 6 AM or so and drank Hieneken with the boys until about 11. I have finally earned my degenerate merit badge for this trip.

Of course, this is brief. So, so damn brief. Besides, it’s hard to write much more when all I can do is sit here and hope that at sometime in my life I will see my ultimate dream realized; Hot-swappable feet. Mine hurt so bad I feel like I’m walking around on nubs. If my vision was clearer, I might be able to check. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to head out again to drop the hammer on an unsuspecting video poker machine (I’ve got pics, but I have to wait to post them because I forgot the cable from my camer.). first trip report installment should be sometime Thursday if I’m still alive.

At 39 hours, I’ve got $20 on Death to win.

Last licks

Boy, I sure wanted to do more posts than the zero I have done thus far this week, but ’05 is making sure it gets some licks in before making an exit, which has put me on some serious life tilt. Quite a few bloggers seem to be getting bashed by ‘05’s flailing exit as well, so I won’t complain in detail as is my tendency. Sometimes it’s just your turn to get bashed in the groin a few times, whether you deserve it or not. One just has to suck it up and press on, even if it is easier to say than to do most of the time.

Vegas couldn’t be coming at a better time, and I know I’m not just speaking for myself. Let’s just hope that the poker gods take a sympathetic stance on the collective swollen junk and turn off the universe/luck doom switch for a couple of days.

On to more pleasant things…..

Mrs. Head and I decided to give ourselves a couple fo early presents this year in the form of new mp3 players. No, we did not get iPods. While iPods look fantastic, have a great UI, and are attached to a pretty solid iTunes software package, they are way too encumbered to convince me to fork over the cash Apple wants. I just can’t see why I would want to buy something that has a 20gb drive (or more) that doesn’t give me the option to store data like I need to, so I didn’t. For those that haven’t yet jumped on the iPod bandwagon, here is what the Mrs. and I purchased.

iRiver H10 20gb Player/Recorder

mobiBLU 1gb Player/Recorder Cube.

Both of these bad boys are pretty damn cool. While there’s certainly a case to be made for the iPod, these seem to have more cool features with some better inherent flexibility. Once I get a chance to play with both a bit more I may post a more extensive review, but for the time being I will say that both are money well spent and should serve us both well on the upcoming trip.

And speaking of trips…..

Only one more day till I make my 14^th trip to the beautiful city of dreams (mostly broken) that is Vegas. I was twenty years old and in the military when I made my first trip. I was shitbox broke which meant that I was kickin’ it at the Casino Royale with my fake ID and going to Little Darlin’s with the guys. Looking back it makes me eminently thankful that I’ve managed to climb up a few rungs and am no longer relegated to wallowing in the desperation pool of $2 BlackJack tables. That’s not to say that desperation only exists in the seedier casino’s, but I like my desperation to at least make the effort and wear a bit of cologne, knowhutimean?

9 years, 14 trips. On most of those trips I would spend the entire way there wondering if I would have a good time, wondering if I would regret the decision to go. Because of all the fine folks in this little community, I no longer wonder such things; I only look forward with glee. The things that life throws my way in an effort to tilt me and make me give fade into the background, and I am thankful.

See you all there.

One of those days

First, make sure to head on over to give Otis and Joe their deserved accolades for showing NaNoWriMo who’s boss by successfully hitting the 50K word benchmark. Enduring such a month of writing is definitely a tall order, so heap some praise on what are two of the ‘sphere’s best wordsmiths.

Bob was forced to withdraw from the competition because of an injury caused by carrying too much junk, rendering him unable to sit and type for any sustained period. Don’t blame him, blame Mother Nature and her bountiful gifts.

***
Anyone who knows me at all knows that nearly each and every new day brings a fresh annoyance with which I must deal. The latest?

Cyber Monday.

If you watched any local or national news program at any time on Monday you likely heard the term and saw segments devoted to it at least once per hour. Life is steadily becoming more and more of a waking dream gone wrong, with every dire prediction from sci-fi novels past coming to life right before our eyes, or at the very least waiting in the wings to do so. I’m sure I don’t need to tell any of my tens of readers that there is no such thing as Cyber Monday—some mid-level media douchebag somewhere in some meeting decided to coin the term (because that’s just what we need, more new terms) and media outlets tried as hard as they can to push the hell out of it so that the masses can be primed and ready to stretch the limits of their ever-expanding debt to corporations next year. Never mind that it is there weren’t any online retailers having “Cyber Monday Sales”, they said it so it must exist.

I guess we just add it to the big ball of nothingness wherein the situation in Iraq is going swimmingly and increasing the power of government to spy on its own population is actually good for us. Writing about it really doesn’t accomplish anything other than give me an opportunity drone on about an idiot subject that most have already forgotten about, but hey, some MTV-sodden kid might wander by here, so in the interest of saving the children I throw it out there.

You heard me right; I do it for the children.

What’s the over/under for WalMart Wednesday coming to fruition?
How about Take Your Child to Get a Credit Card Tuesday?
Throw the College Fund into the Economy Thursday? Anyone?

With things continuing at their current velocity I fully expect that in another decade we will have lost the calendar as we know it. Instead, it will be integrated into our TeleScreen360 as a multidimensional data model that will tell us hour by hour what holiday we should be celebrating (and consequently shopping for) and what is the appropriate style, color, and placement of the ribbon that we will wear for said holiday to demonstrate to our fellow patriots that we are not dissenters and/or potential terroristas.

As you can see, the ChristmaHanaKwanzikah season, per usual, is making me holly-jolly as hell.

***
I am, however, very thankful for the few things that do not make my giant head want to explode—

Booze, Bloggers, and Vegas.

Mrs. Head and I will be in town on the afternoon of the 9^th, and a few hours later I plan on being Human-BobbleHeaded drunk at the MGM for Joaquin’s Mixed Game festivities. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll jump into the games because I play each at the level of “barely functioning retard”, but I can guarantee that I’ll be losing lots of money to my bar tab.

Merry Christmas to me (and to you all in a few short days).

I dream of shots

Las Vegas is just getting too close for comfort. Lat night I dreamt I won just over half a mil on some strange Let it Ride/Video Poker hybrid using the remote control in our room at the Imperial Palace. The only other thing that I remember with any clarity from the dream was jetting straight over to the Wynn and getting a suite while Mrs. Head chartered a flight back home to hire a barber shop quartet to sing some variation of “Fuck Off” to her boss. I remember walking into the suite and being very drunk and surrounded by other similarly drunk blogging compatriots.

It was a good dream.

It wasn’t long after that I was stumbling out of bed hazily searching for a cold Coke and my Camel Wides so I could begin the day, when somewhere in the house I kept hearing a muffled beep. I thought it might be one of the smoke detectors crying out for a new battery, but the sound wasn’t nearly annoying enough. Shit, I must’ve missed a phone call. After leaving work on Wednesday I had left my cell in my coat pocket so as not to have to think about it all weekend, because many times I find myself longing for the cell phones of old that didn’t have the ability to speak up when they wanted attention.

I thought work may have called, so with a heavy heart I listened to the voicemail. The heaviness changed as I realized I had just received a dial-a-shot from Bobby Bracelet, BG, and THG. DAMNIT!

So, brothers, I offer my humblest apologies for not scoring the completion when the DAS went out. I humbly offer this post-Thanksgiving post-a-shot in return.

The Apple Pie Shot

Mix 3 Parts vodka (can be a mid-grade, you won’t be tasting it) w/ 1 part Apple Juice
Have 1 can of whip cream handy
Tin of cinnamon

The most entertaining way to do this shot is with two people. One person takes the shot and keeps it in their mouth, tilting their head back and not swallowing. The second squirts a bit of the whipped cream into their mouth and taps a small bit of cinnamon on top. Person #1 tilts forward and swallows. Porny, no?

Of course, it is perfectly acceptable to simply pour the liquor into a shot glass, throw a bit of whipped directly on top of the liquid, add cinnamon, and shoot it like a normal person. It’s just a bit less fun as they begin to have their effect.

Best of luck to everyone as they try to get through these next two weeks!

Done and Almost Done

At of 3 P.M. today, I reached the summit of Mt. NaNoWriMo.

Woohoo!

Now the bad news. It still isn’t finished. I think I have about 15K words left to write before the story will be finished which is something I never expected. Now the question is, can I get it truly finished (not just the 50K word goal) before we head to Vegas?

I hope so.

I love you, FullTilt

WOW.

All I can say is that if the FullTilt (bonus code: HHEAD) live event last night kicked much ass. Poker is fun to watch, but when it’s fun AND instructional like the show last night, it can’t be beat. The end got a little silly because of the blinds, but there’s nothing anyone can really do about that for a program of that type. I think FullTilt pulled it off as good as a live event could have been. It was good enough that I even hate FSN less for their continual Poker Superstars Invitational abortion.

Oh, yeah. Howard Lehderer? It's been said a milion times already, but here it is again. Best poker commentator EVER.

Rather than go on and on about the particulars, I’ll leave it at this: If you missed it last night, try hard to find a torrent or something, it will be worth your time.

Hope everyone had a great holiday! I’m thankful for a ton of things, but not the abuse I’m still taking at the tables. 2-outer river beats galore, and I’m losing my mind, but going back for more, nonetheless. Oh yes, one last thing. I had Mrs. Head hit me with a book when I was tilting a couple of days ago. That shit actually works! Shock therapy=Tilt be gone. Who knew?

Pokerstars just keeps getting better

I have stuck primarily with Pokerstars for my online pokering since I began, and they have never disappointed—from their customer support to nice software and of course, the tournaments. They were doing it right before anyone else. So a huge thanks to them for their WPBT support. If you’ve been under a rock or in a third world country, go read this to get up to speed. Sure I’ve strayed over to other sites, but Stars has always been my first love. That punk bitch PartyPoker thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips, sending me ultimatums and taking back my player points. She can keep ‘em, stupid bitch; I don’t care how good the fishing is.

Full Tilt (Bonus code: HHEAD) is definitely my piece on the side, though, with (IMHO) the best software out there and a player base that will hopefully balloon completely out of control pretty soon. They have also shown a ton of WPBT support and I would be absolutely remiss if I didn't mention them , too.

Right now my pokering between the two is about a 70/30 split. If your not playing at either of these two sites yet, just use the handy-dandy links on the sidebar and get to it.

Thanks again, Otis and Pokerstars + Full Tilt for "getting it"!

Emotion Commentary

Man, it’s hard to even put into words the size and ruggedness of the steel-toed boots poker strapped on yesterday and this morning. She laced ‘em up tight and went to work on my junk like a man-hating Lifetime producer. So here I sit with an icepack on my nuts and a fistful of anti-depressants, writing to you, dear reader, on the verge of a massive tilt-induced coronary of SirWaffle proportions minus the bankroll destruction.

Such is my dedication.

This situation lends itself nicely to a post that I’ve been brooding over for about a week now. I’ve been putting it off in the intense wake of NaNoWriMo, and lo and behold, it was covered in fine fashion by Hank who likely said it better than I could have. In taking on the more difficult task of writing the spearhead post on emotions, he has left me with the much lighter load of simple commentary.

(before proceeding, click on the link and read his post first if you haven’t already)

Winding up his post, Hank states, “In answer to the question, "Do emotional poker players have an advantage in tournament poker?" I think the jury is still out.” For me, the jury is in and they have reached a verdict:

Being an emotional player, be it in cash games or tournaments, is NOT where it’s at.

I repeat. NOT where it’s at.

I can say this with confidence because I am one of these emotional players. Watching these folks that have the ability to retain an ever cold and logical outlook makes me Scott's Turfbuilder green with envy. I have no idea where this emotionality comes from. Perhaps I didn’t get enough hugs from Mom. Perhaps I’ve been beat down by “The Man” one too many times in my short life. Whatever the reason, I am not, and it’s doubtful that I’ll ever be, a person with the ability to be completely emotionless.

Being emotional will cause a person to make frustration errors. Some emotional people will have better control and make less of them, but they will happen, and will happen more than those made by the person who can truly let the injustices and attendant frustrations slide off their back. If I get my aces cracked by runner runner gutshot backdoor shit cards, I’m going to be pissed. Carry this situation over multiple days or weeks and my heart starts in with threats of exploding inside my chest cavity if I don’t play those suited one-gappers out of position. Just once, you know, to get me back on an even keel.

Now, take the above and apply it to the roboticism of Hank and others like him. The aces being cracked will briefly annoy, but the cold precision of their play will continue unabated. Assuming that the skill level is the same (yeah, right. While I’m at it, why not go ahead and say that I play ball as good as MJ), if I make this error once per day that costs me at least 1 SB (and likely more) and Hank does not, just think about how much that he saves over the course of a year. And that’s just a loosely defined cash game example. What if the same loosely defined terms were applied to a tournament? I end up busting because I got trapped in a marginal situation and am either busted or have taken a hit to my stack. Hank’s cold logic avoids this foolishness and by doing so automatically gets an edge with which to travel higher on the placement ladder.

The conclusion? Be more like Hank and less like me.

But fear not, dear friends. I’m not one to simply discuss a problem, but rather, as corporate America has lovingly taught me, I must bring alternative solutions to the table. Think outside of the box and change the paradigm in order to assess the risk and take advantage of the current trends to fortify and streamline future margins and matrices, as it were (dear God, I seriously need a healthier work environment).

Get a big stick, preferably a giant bamboo stick like they use/used in traditional old-school martial arts training in the East. Give said stick to spouse, significant other, roommate, friend, or neighbor. Task this person with keeping a close eye on you while you play. When pesky detrimental tilt starts to arrive on the back of those ruinous emotions, have said designee whack you with the big bamboo stick. It will hurt and it will make you mad, but will help you recognize the absurdity of getting so angry. If it doesn’t, simply repeat until you DO recognize or are too injured to play.

Either way, everyone wins. Bankroll is intact and tilt is avoided, plus your designee has had a fantastic time doing something that would normally be considered “assault”. Pfft, assault, what a bunch of pansies.

My Tae Kwon Do grandmaster, Jin Yong Kim, used to always say, “You will NEVER have perfect Tae Kwon Do, but that doesn’t mean you should ever stop trying for it.” The same goes for getting rid of emotional play at the tables. You may not ever be perfect at it, but with constant effort and the help of a giant bamboo stick, you should never stop trying and consequently, get better at control.

Emotion is NOT where it’s at.

gdiiwtfdmph

Hey there, old friend! Smell that smell? Yep, I know ya do. It’s that sweet familiar smell of winter in the fucking Midwest. Monday-70 degrees, wind 5-10 mph. Tuesday—30 degrees, wind 40-55 gdiiwtfdmph (that’s goddamn it, I want to fucking die Miles per Hour). Every year it’s the same damn thing, old man winter wakes up and realizes he’s way behind schedule and so proceeds to shit on the entire region. Don’t think I’m just sitting here complaining, though. I’m actually sitting here complaining while actively working to get the hell out of this land that time forgot.

And since I’m on a complaining run, I might as well see it to the end. I’ve been pondering the last few weeks just why people feel it necessary to signal when going from on-ramp to highway. The on-ramp ends, it’s going to force you onto the highway proper, you don’t need to let everyone know because, surprise!, they already do. Why don’t any of them feel like a signal is necessary when decide to coast to a nearly complete stop before turning in some completely unspecified direction?

Oh hell, this whining is already tedious so I’ll shut up. Just know that every day I wish upon a star to be around folks that have an IQ higher than the speed limit.

Waitaminute…**puts hand on head and concentrates real hard**

I think I’m getting a vision of some sort….

Yes! There it is!

It appears that my wish will be granted on Dec. 9^th

Shit. That’s still too far away.

And if your wondering, the answer is “yes”, I plan on going on in this manner until Mrs. Head and I arrive to the sounds of –EV bells and whistles.

For those who might care, I’ve played some poker but not much. The little I have played has gone well, so it’s at least nice to know that the little skill that exists is not completely gone. My energies and copious amounts of time are being sucked down by NaNoWriMo, but I will get into a full-time poker swing the week prior to the WBPT event, as this seems to be the optimal amount of time to have a peak poker pump going then we land.

Oh yes, one last thing. For the Storming of the Castle messaging blitz I have Performify on my list, but that’s it so far as it seems everyone has been covered. If you got missed, just send me an email and I will make sure you get a shout.

Tired…must medicate….talk to you all laaateeeeeer!

Hello Saturday!

All you can do is get your money in with the best of it, but even that does no good if the doom switch is turned on. I kid, but now I have to spend the next couple of hours easing off of the pre-tilt I can feel rising inside me. Worst Feeling in the World, especially when you know intellectually that there is no reason to feel like that. With a finish in 62^nd in Pauly’s tourney, rest assured I’m going to have to shove 14 horseshoes in my ass before the final one in order to have any chance at the iPod. No pain, No gain.

NaNoWriMo Update: It has been taking ALL of my spare time, hence the very sporadic posting. I’ll be taking the day off from writing, but will have crossed the 25,000 word mark by the close of the weekend. It’s turning into everything I never thought it would be, and by that I mean that I seem to be writing an Oprah book (the tone is turning out to be very touchy-feely). So, manly men coming across this work, prepare to be severely underwhelmed. Females and other assorted estrogen-laden organisms, stock up on the tissue. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the last half goes; it is what it is.

It also looks like I’ll be stuck in this god-awful city for a bit longer, since I didn’t get the job I wanted. The thing that I can’t seem to let go about it is: Did I fuck up, or did I simply lose out to someone better qualified? I guess I’ll have to file that one away with the other unanswerable questions such as, “How come I didn’t win the lottery this week?” and “How come there’s corn in there? I haven’t had corn in weeks!”

Oh yeah, and “Why isn’t Vegas here yet?”

Pre-Vegas Rushin'

The rush to bankroll up for Vegas is definitely on. Congrats to all of the bloggers who recently made some nice tourney scores. Seriously, it’s getting to be too many to count. Joe just hit for a nice win. Daddy is taking down anything even alluding to a farm animal, reaming it good. CJ, -EV, and SirWafflesWinsTourneys. The list is nearly too many to count or link. The world must be nearing its end, though, because I can now add my name to the list of Those Who are Scoring (this also happens to be the name of the list I desperately tried to get on in Junior High, but I digress).

First NL final table ever in the WWdN Invitational two weeks ago. Final table at Saturdays with Pauly. Final table at the Bill Rini Desert Shootout.

While playing like a weak-tight sissyboy (shut up, If you had Hank and Joe on your left you would too) I decided to jump into the NL $10+1 after the first break in the Shootout. To make a long story short, after busting in 9^th in the Shootout, I scored a 4^th for a nice $300. Man, anything seems easy after playing the tough blogger fields.

Just need to work on closing now.

Review: The Best Hand I Ever Played

The Best Hand I Ever Played was an entertaining, albeit short, read. It is a collection of 52 hands played by various professionals and big tournament winners. Each person recounts a brief tale of one of the best hands they ever played, hence the title of the book. Following the recount of the hand, Steve Rosenbloom throws in a section called “The Rake” where he dissects the strategic implications.

Upon receiving the book I was understandably excited and jumped in right away. After a couple of hours went by I realized that I had already ripped through over half of it and that my enjoyment was nearing an abrupt end. In the middle of “Oooh! New poker book!” euphoria I had failed to consider its length and consequently failed to pace myself.

Don’t expect any in-depth strategy lessons with this book, you won’t get them. This is primarily a poker book that tells a collection of brief stories; very brief stories. All of these things combined led me to a sense of mild overall disappointment with this book once I was finished. Perhaps I expected too much, that is always a possibility. I loved reading about the players and their favorite hands, but I was left wanting something more in-depth. The post-recount strategy sections were even briefer and felt like an afterthought; something just put there to fill space. Scattered throughout the book were handy-dandy little graphics explaining poker terms like “The Turn”. These definitely could have been left out. With ESPN increasing the poker coverage year by year I find it difficult to imagine that someone reading this book would find this most basic information enlightening in any way. Again, maybe I expected too much.

So, there’s how it all shakes out in my world. It seems that this book was devoted to pleasing everyone, which is understandable, but I believe that this is its downfall. I wouldn’t buy this book. I would, however, buy it for a friend or acquaintance as some sort of small gift, stocking stuffer, etc, and I would enjoy receiving it as a gift. The good thing is that it costs less than many of you spend on blinds in an orbit. It definitely couldn’t hurt to pick up a copy to read while your folding that string of Q3 offsuit’s you’re being dealt, just don’t make the same mistake I did and expect too much.

Sign up Reminder!

Only three and a half hours till bloggers clash in…

Saturdays with Dr. Pauly on Poker Stars
Saturday 11.5.05 @ 1pm EST
$10 + 1 NL
Password is hiltons
Tournament #14338880 (check under Private Tournament Tab)

Be there!

I’m just under the 20% completed (9,782 words) mark for NaNoWriMo. After breaking over the initial “howthefuckamieversupposedtowriteanovel” barrier the floodgates have opened. Here’s to hoping they stay open for the duration. Be sure to stop by and give some encouragement to the others who are willingly embarking on this masochistic quest.

I find myself fearing blind corners, thinking that my old battle axe of a college writing teacher is waiting there with her everlasting red pencil to cut me into ribbons.

Also, for those attending the festivities in Vegas, a reminder that it would greatly behoove you to attend the Full Tilt (Bonus Code: HHEAD) Shootout Tourney courtesy of Grand Organizational Wizard and All Around Kick-Ass Individual, Bill Rini.

See you all in a couple of hours! I now have to return to inflicting carpal tunnel on myself (not the good kind).

Going for it

There is no failure except in no longer trying. ~Elbert Hubbard

I decided on Halloween Day to give it a try after watching the event roll past me last year. I wasn't even planning on letting anyone know about it, but that would defeat at least part of the purpose. Day 2 is in the books, 28 more to go.

I really need to go back to Pauly's archives for his commentary on Tiffany Williamson. Watching her play last night made be feel damn near professional in my skills. To be fair, I think a lot of my thoughts on her play is due to editing, as I just can't imagine someone getting that consistently lucky to make it that deep into such a large field. There had to be some good play that got her there, we just didn't see any of it last night.

Busy now, more later. Shhhh, don't tell work :)