Friday, January 05, 2007

Pelosi exultant over new Hammer

In November of last year (’06 is now “last year”? Already?) Rick Santorum turned the idea of bringing children into the viper’s nest that is the political arena right on its head. Kids be used to push not only the approval of terrible legislation, but, as Rick demonstrates in this live field test, they could have potential use as guilt cannons.

Voting Democrat destroys Christian families!

It was a demonstration of pure Republican ingenuity in vilifying the opposing party, to be sure.
Until, that is, Nancy introduced the nation to her new security team--all 47 of them.

Look at how shiny it is!

There were a few skeptics among the audience until Pelosi laid the reasoning behind her bold move. She said that as the first female Speaker it was important to come from a position of strength, and being surrounded by a team of men could do great harm to her and the nation in a time of war.

While not having the time to introduce all the members of her new team, Pelosi did highlight a few of her team that stood out before being whisked away to the coronation after party.

Steven (closest to the right side of the chair) has ADD and is great for spotting snipers as he never focuses on one thing for too long and succumbing to the dreaded “tunnel vision” that comes from staying on task.

Directly behind girl with baby stands Scott, who only looks bored and a bit slow. He provides the necessary focus that Steven lacks. His laser-like subdued intensity underscores a keen eye for spotting anyone who looks like they want to say “impeach.”

The two in blue flanking either side of Pelosi are James and Justin. These brothers have been trained since birth and have been recently been rewarded with high-level black belt ranks in the art of Sad Face. It is rumored that James (to Pelosi’s left) can not only make the cutest sad face ever, but that his skills have developed to the point that he is now able to fire sadness laden tears in three-tear bursts. When asked about this yet to be seen skill, he was quoted as saying, “Wait till someone mentions impeachment in front of my Grandma, then you’ll see. But I’m telling you, you don’t want to see that. It will be too sad and too cute. Our job today is to make sure things don’t get to that point.”

After ending the session to attend other celebrations in her honor, Pelosi could not be reached for comment about whether or not her new hammer would be used to nail the door to impeachment shut for good. However, top aides anonymously stated that there were inter-office rumors going around that the new Speaker has plans to use her new hammer on the back of as many heads as possible in order to “more firmly plant various lips onto her ass.”