Wednesday, December 27, 2006


"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."
---George Bush (Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002)

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction."
---George Bush (Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003)

**deep inhale**

**deep exhale**

[I’m taking five here in order to pace and employ desperately amateur and doomed to fail yoga breathing exercises that I can vaguely remember being demonstrated by a “personal trainer” in a Miami Vice-inspired leotard one night on a commercial that informed me I, too, could be privy to this forbidden and ancient knowledge for 3 easy payments of $19.95]

In a few days we’ll begin the journey into 2007. The New Year. But calling it a new year right now just seems so old and outdated. Time magazine already boggled and dazzled our eagerly tuned senses by declaring each and every one of us ‘Person of the Year’, so I say we have them declare 2007 to be something equally amazing. Here’s one they could use—2007: A New Way Forward.

They must strike while the iron is hot, though. The administration's PR machine is beginning to swell up for a new thrust that’s sure to spray a white hot load of creamy neoconservative resolve right down our collective throat. Many have already caught the whiff of public relation pheromones and are steadily becoming more hot and bothered with new talking point anticipation, but if Time can be the first to declare it then there’s no telling how high the bar of ecstatic frenzy could be raised as we look forward to hearing about what’s going to happen with Iraq—once the Decider feels comfortable, of course.

Plus it would make Time, like, the most patriotic American magazine ever.

And forget Mylar on the cover, it’s way too static. In our globalized, connected, fast-paced, business and consumer tastes move quickly so companies have to be nimble, action item, mover and shaker, up the ladder, 7 Habits, cheese moving, “Holy Christ my SUV and penis are both too small I gotta upgrade” world, we demand our content be served to us dynamically. Give us something to play with that doesn’t hold still.

(will someone please escort Mr. Foley and Mr. Haggerty from the room and try to explain to them why “like little boys” is not an acceptable suggestion for meeting that last demand? Thanks. Also, please inform Mr. Hastert that aside from little boys not being acceptable for an answer, “Twinkies” do not count either.)

For this venture an enterprising, globally distributed magazine might want to get with Nintendo. Not only would it be a victory for diplomacy and general international relations, it could mean co-ownership of several lucrative new patents.

The cover could have an arrow. Not just any arrow, but a big white and red one (giving a somber and well-placed ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ nod to the base) with a stars and stripes “YOU” on it (another somber nod to anyone who’s not a terrorist). Here’s where Nintendo comes in—by adapting the new Wii controller technology just a bit, they could help Time make it so the new arrow on the cover points constantly to Iraq. It won’t matter which way you’re facing or at which level the magazine is being held. Always pointing at Iraq.

A patriotic compass, if you will. Just like George.

Sky’s the limit here—think of all the exclusive partnership opportunities, the merchandising, the glorious “viral” marketing campaigns!

Time and Hasbro could partner on a new UN Joe GI Joe line. Joe’s will have heads (built with Wii technology) that always face Iraq because they’re dedicated to fighting the tricky and dastardly 21st-century Cobras who got tans and grew beards—collect the whole set!

The GPS in the arrow could facilitate all manner of exciting contests. Whoever (in a properly diverse but randomly chosen city section) can win the new “Find Osama” contest while walking most consistently in the direction of Iraq (using the handy arrow, of course) wins a year’s supply of 24-Hour surveillance from the President and Cingular. That’s a lot of safety!

(Disclaimer: Winner will receive the Grand Prize of 24-Hour surveillance for the duration of one year from the President and Cingular upon purchase of a monthly plan at a price minimum of $69.99 on approved credit and upon the signing of a Contract Agreement of 3 years or greater. Does not include applicable taxes, surcharges, or fees. Cost of phone is not included. Penalty for Early Termination is $1700 or 3% of the winners gross wages summed over the last five years, whichever is greater.)

And if you don’t happen to be patriotic enough to win the contest, don’t worry. All “alternatively placed” finishers will be sure to get a consolation phone call from Tony Snow, encouraging them to “take a deep, cleansing breath."

Thanks, Tony. Tried that already. Didn’t help.