Friday, June 24, 2005

The Edge of the Knife: Day Three, Part II

Day One, Part I
Day One, Part II
Day One, Part III
Day One, Part IV

Day Two, Part I
Day Two, Part II
Day Two, Part III

Day Three, Part I

Even though I was in a room filled to the brim with other drunken degenerates, I was still going to be mortally embarrassed if I couldn’t find my seating card.

“Say, who’s that dude standing there?”

“That’s Human Head. He’s waiting until everyone sits down so he can see where he is supposed to sit because he lost his seat assignment card.”

“What a donkey. If he can’t keep track of a little card, how in the heck did he even find his way out of bed?

…and so on and so forth. To my great relief, I found it in the cellophane of my cigarette pack. I walk around without my smokes like I walk around without my cock, which is to say, NEVER. It was on this logic that I stashed my card with the pack; I forgot to take into account the cognac and the fact that I am at times a frightfully absent-minded individual.

Let’s set the table (in patented Dr. Pauly format)….

Seat 1: Spaceman---Back from a brief blogging hiatus and ready to kick some ass at the table. A master with The Hammer.

Seat 2: Derek—Formidable brother of the hard-working Doctor

Seat 3: Lil’ Otis---Formidable brother of the hard-working Otis, who consequently looks just like Otis.

Seat 4: BG---Esteemed author and thoroughbred obsessive

Seat 5: Drizz---If you don’t know who Drizz is, you need to improve your blog selection.

Seat 6: Scott---EasyCure’s Friend, did I get the name right?

Seat 7: JohnnyHarp---Sunuvabitch and all-around nemesis of the Human Head for the next two hours.

Seat 8: Helixx---Music lover, longtime blogger, and dirty liar who claims the age of 38 or something. Next WPBT get together I’m slipping a casino guard a fiver to check his ID.

Seat 9: EvaCanHang---Al’s better half who is everything one comes to expect from a CantHang and more. Has been known to lead female bloggers and wives of bloggers away from the straight and narrow.

Seat 10: Yours Truly---Looking around for VSOP #5 and vigorously promoting the image of “too drunk to calculate pot odds”.

?:?? AM---Shitty cocktail waitress finally brings VSOP #5 as play begins. My watch is now nothing but a shiny silver thing strapped to my wrist as I lose the will to give a shit about the time. All motivation to take notes is out the window at this point.

After a couple of hands a cheer rises and finds its way to my ears as PokerGeek is the first in the tournament to drop The Hammer. Pretty ballsy considering Gigli was still hanging over everyone’s head. Our table was tight tight tight. For the longest time, no one was knocked out and at our table most hands weren’t going past the flop. Suddenly (I believe on Level 2), PokerNerd got bounced and saddled with the odious Gigli DVD. Playing the hammer, he went with style and grace.

?:?? AM---I have a lock on the waitress and she finally brings VSOP #6. At this point it’s either keep an eye on the waitress or on my table. I chose the waitress since I was fixated on the perceived injustice that my glass was becoming empty before the next round arrived.

After finally regaining focus I knocked a short-stacked Scott out with my AQs vs. 99 (I think) and bought myself a little time with the rapidly escalating blinds. Not too long after that, though, I begin to notice that my stack is again beginning to dwindle and it’s not readily apparent why. Then the flash of insight that would have been obvious had I not been so intent on getting drinks, arrived. That sneaky bastard JohnnyHarp was raising and betting like a maniac and stealing everything! I immediately made him my nemesis and determined that I would play back at him, but by then I was too late. My stack was for shit and he had managed to amass a very respectable amount, enough so that he could call with a lot of holdings if I decide to play back at him, which relegated me to needing good cards before I could make such a move. I took down a couple sets of blinds after that, but unfortunately never in a position to come over the top of him for something more substantial.

?:?? AM---I think the break happened here, but I can’t be sure. I do know that VSOP #7 happened, though. I finally got to meet Hella Shelly who I had been keeping an eye out for the entire time, and needless to say, the break was waay too short; I desperately wanted to keep talking. Perhaps the next event can take on a more social format, more of an all day event or something. Longer breaks, deeper stacks, and blinds that escalate more slowly. A guy can dream, right?

Best Laydown: Helixx laying down AA to EvaCanHang who turned a frush with K-10 heads-up. It left him brutally short-stacked, but had he gone in he would have been bounced even earlier.

After his untimely exit, there was table balancing and Felicia took his place. Fuckin’ Great. Yet another tough player to deal with and I have the Iggy of chipstacks, short short short. Thankfully she was short-stacked as well which made me feel a bit better.

[Lost a little time here]

After a flurry of busts all around the room I was moved to Seat 1 at a table where I knew about 3 people. CJ sat on my left with his giant stack and I had EvaCanHang and Hella Shelly across from me. My stack at this point had been ravaged by a bit of the ole’ escalating blind ultra-violence and I was going to have to push soon.

JoeSpeaker hung out behind me to provide some support as I folded AJo to a raise and a re-raise. I hated doing that, but I would have lost the hand, and besides, AJ is his hand; it holds no special mojo for me.

[Crap cards, fold. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat]

Finally in a BB that left me horrifically short, EvaCanHang pushed and I called with a 74d, figuring that if my chips had to go to someone they should go to another short-stack and not add to the big boys. Really though, I was hoping to pull off a giant suckout. Completely dominated against her 77, the flop brought me some hope with 2 diamonds. The turn brought me an OESD, but the cruel and unfeeling river decided I was unworthy to continue playing and sent me back to the bar in 21st place.

Boo-fucking-Hoo. That’s what I told myself after an ever-so-brief flash of self pity. I lasted longer than I ever thought I would, and while winning is important and always nice, it wasn’t the main intent of this event. The main intent (at least in my case) was to get drunk and play cards with some new friends. That mission was an unbridled success all before midday. That’s right, it’s not even noon yet.

Who’s up for a drink?