Flight of the Conchords Rap

I'm loathe in principle to helping HBO for various reasons, but this gets an exception.

Enjoy.

New Book Dump

It's been a bit since the last book dump, so here's the latest (which is about a month old now) for anyone interested.

Party over here.

David Rockefeller, Memoirs

Zbigniew Brzezinski, The Grand Chessboard: American Primacy and Its Geostrategic Imperatives

Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in America : The Brutal Odyssey of an Outlaw Journalist

Milton Mayer, They Thought They Were Free: The Germans, 1933-45

Greg Palast, Armed Madhouse: From Baghdad to New Orleans--Sordid Secrets and Strange Tales of a White House Gone Wild

I'm digging this HST selection, as it is a collection of his personal correspondence. Wicked good reading, providing a glimpse of the man that is very worthwhile. Brzezinski and Mayer are my main thrusts right now, and I'm picking up the Palast when lighter fare is needed.

Christ, I still need to get Glenn Greenwald's book ordered.....perhaps on the next purchasing round. I had planned to pick it up on pre-order but I need to finish this current round before I can stock up on more (that, and the fact that I really need to erect some proper bookshelves at this point).

Good stuff is happening, details to follow as things pans out over the next couple of weeks.

Sudden, unexpected, and altogether strange.

“Hey, you wanna come down here and beat off into a cup?”

An odd question, to be sure, especially piped in over the telephone line at 2PM on a Tuesday afternoon. It was my friend, M, who worked for a fertility clinic. At first glance it would seem like a perfectly reasonable question given the source…nope, still weird.

“Come again?” I asked.

“That’s what she said. [snicker] Oh man, that never gets old. Seriously, are you busy?”

“You really want me to just jump in the car, head up to where you work, and beat off into a cup? Do I at least get some porn?”

“I don’t think we have any. You can’t do it without porn?”

“What am I, 14?”

I might be able to round some up for you, but it’s a long shot. Remember where you are….?

“Boise. Fucking mormons.”

“Right-o. So can you?”

“Why? You haven’t even told me why.”

“We’re training one of the nurses here and we’re out of practice samples. C’mon, you’ll get tested for free. It’s actually a pretty expensive test, it might come in handy.”

“I have always wanted to contribute to medicine….”

I hung up the phone without stating outright that, upon brief reflection, I would have done it if for no other reason than it’s not often that one has the opportunity to abuse oneself with official sanction. It was almost as if the benevolent faces of the AMA board up on their cloud were looking at me, nodding, all placid and benevolent-like.

And with that, I took off towards the clinic ready to dash several million little soldiers against a cruel plastic wall in the name of progress. Not that the issues surrounding the biblical and serious “spilling of seed” was a big one for me, it just happened to cross my mind while driving. After all, to say I hadn’t launched similar initiatives for progress in strategic locations all over my apartment would be a dirty lie.

Twenty minutes later I was back home on the couch. Indeed, I have never been one to lollygag in the pursuit of official business. I was especially proud that the job had been completed successfully in spite of the complete absence of porn and/or what polite society might call “manual assistance.” Surely this was a testament to the veracity and effectiveness of previous military training. We’ve done so much with so little for so long we can now do everything with nothing….

The phone woke me from dreams where I was populating wide swaths of earth. It was M with the test results. It was only now that the question crossed my mind. Blanks? Empty Goop? Lazy soldiers? Oh boy….

“Well, my friend, looks as though you’ve got another bullet point for your resume. You’re in the top 5% in terms of, well, everything. Count, motility…If I sound a little amazed, it’s because I kind of am. We don’t see this type of thing too often.”

“SWEET”

“Okay then, I gotta go. Be careful out there…seriously.”

Most would just laugh but I knew this was a serious admonition. We were, after all, in Boise. Which is in Idaho. Which means that if you have a boner and sneeze at the same time while too close to an indigenous female you’re going to end up with a shotgun wedding and a career path of cosmetology and/or construction. There’s a reason some of these guys end up with 17 wives….

Bullet points, indeed.

********

Armed with this knowledge, I and my lady have endeavored, lo these many years, to observe a stringent Reproductive Security Plan. Many fences and barriers, both physical and chemical, have been erected and maintained—I’m sure there’s some kind of mocking diatribe having to do with right-wing nuttery and The Global War Against Islamofundist Terror in there somewhere, but now is not the time, other than to say that the news I received yesterday serves only to further reinforce the fact that there is no such thing as Total Security.

Which has little to do with anything, really, but stay with me and I’m sure I can reign in this train wreck and bring us all safely to the point. Which is, that, well….my friend M seems to have not known or simply forgot to tell me what the real results were from that long ago test.

My sperm is evidently weaponized.

“Area effect” was not taken into account.

Pregnancy has manifested. Little Head has slogged the Fallopian Trail and will be taking a well-deserved rest (8 mos, or so).

Chaos and all things strange are expected from here on out.

Here is a very rough draft of what the kid's first t-shirt may look like:

Mac vs. PC Rap=Fantastic

Could have been cut by 1/3 and been just as good, but that's nitpicking.

Enjoy.

Brown Trouts on a Muthafuckin Plane!

Way worse than snakes.



Airline apologizes for sewage on plane

"I've never felt so offended in all my life," passenger Collin Brock of Washington state told Seattle's KING-TV. "I felt like I had been physically abused and neglected. I was forced to sit next to human excrement for seven hours."

Still around

..but what posting I've been doing has been over at Verbosities, so head there (or just make it easy and grab the feed).

There will be more quantity here shortly. So much to write about, but there is currently little time to put it in proper form.

Speaking commercially

Time to ramble. Given the borderline insane comment I just left on Speaker's post, reflection tells me I obviously have something that probably ought to come out, lest it sets in begins to fester.

"That's a nice looking car"

We thought it and said it at about the same time. And this time, as with (or so it seems) most other times, these words are inevitably followed by, "Too bad it's a Chrysler." Knowing about "Chrysler Quality" means being doomed to looking around and being disappointed every time you get into traffic. Anyway, we were talking about the neighbor's girlfriend's apparent new car purchase.

"I always wonder why Nancy drives that minivan."
"What minivan? She drives an SUV."
"Well, it's more mini-van than SUV, I think"

The words lept out at me like a TV commercial and in fact sounded just like it when uttered. Obviously, there isn't really any other way to say that, it was just strange and got me to thinking about language. Something along the lines of it not being used as well as it should be, in general as well as personally.

The language of my work environment is eating away at my cerebrum like a cancer. It's dulling, and makes me feel like I'm becoming mute, because if I open my mouth to speak I may scream and never stop. New perspective isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be sometimes. When transforming into something that is in many ways the opposite of everything around you, it is difficult not feeling completely strange some days.

Goddamn, I'm almost 31. Another year gone. Add on another day of......stuff, mostly miserable, expensive, annoying, and inconvenient STUFF. Treadmill activities, the stuff of beasts who can't or won't know any better. I despise the beast that speaks commercials and find that I desperately want to become something other than that.

Truthfully, I likely just simply need to cool down (Christ it's fucking hot) and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, or so they say. I certainly would like one of those, because they've all been looking like the same tired days I've lived already. It may be cliche to invoke HST righ now, but seriously, How long, o Lord, how long?

Thanks for reading this episode of My Early Mid-Life Crisis.

(Get me out of this fucking city)

The Landlord

O god, it's funny.

Verbosities Material--5/31

Tim Griffin off to Fred Thompson's greener pastures?



Governer Rick Perry heads to Bilderberg



If you can't see it, it doesn't exist.



A serious and sober account of Gitmo.



Ron Paul Interview--5/31



By their actions you'll know them



Thursday "Are you still awake?"/Friday "Good Morning!" Edition



Unbelievable, but true.









Technorati Tags: Verbosities content

HH Verbosity Posts for 5/25

Bilderbergers. They have coffee. They talk. No big whoop.

Bash Obama: Round III

Alicia Silverstone stock on the rise

O Snap.

If you have no idea why I put this up, Google about Rosie and Elizabeth on the View and catch up.

I, also, have moments where I cannot pull away from the drama buglight. They are normally brief, but this looks like one of those times.

More Verbosities Material (Updated. A lot. Sorry, Bloglines people.)

Iran 'three to eight years' away from nuclear weapon

Ready to Lead. Prepared to Govern.

We don't negotiate with Terrorists.

Here Kitty Kitty

God Bless The Simpsons

It's Even Worse Than I Thought

Sad

The Gin Blossoms are playing at a housing development.

So, I know that's worse than the fair, but here's the question.

Is it worse than playing a prom?

Jetsetting Impotent Hamsters

No I'm not referring to our politicians.

Here ya go--a little morning nonsense.

They tell us it's to help the internal clock adjust to travelling east. I think it's actually a few high-profile hamsters with too much job stress who've developed an inability to "swing it like real hamster-men", as it were. It's a little known problem--there should probably be some sort of charity event to raise awareness for this...."Get it up for Hamsters" or something. Attack people who don't seem to care with questions like "how would you like it if you couldn't bone anything? Hamsters have needs too, you cold-hearted bastards!"

Christ. I need to stay offline until I've been awake for at least an hour.

You don't need to read this.

Tidbit on the newest aspiring overlord.

Only three more hours of listening to instructor droning, then I can look forward to an infuriating 45 min. drive home due to the class location.

Just another 14 hour workday--Thank the maker for Xanadus.

Note to self: Trim nails before trying to blog in a serious training class--entirely too much keyboard noise. The looks I'm getting, you'd think I was trying to put on a puppet show starring my schlong.

Stupid creepy nerds. It's just typing.

UPDATE: My ass hurts. Who made these chairs? For that matter, who is the dumb fuck that actually thought buying them was a good idea?

Morning Dick Jokes, brought to you by Nature

There is such a volume of possibility here, I'm rendered useless underneath its weight. Have fun.

New Post Elsewhere

Today's post went up on Verbosities.

Ron Paul and the FOX "debate"

Many thanks to his verbose highness, BG, for the invite to post on his newly created space. Now go quickly and link it up, visit every day, and commit to sharing its gospel with at least one person per day.

Thus saith The Lord.

Killer buds

Don't think this needs too much more comment.

The department's investigation began with a 911 call from Sanchez's home on April 21, 2006. On a 5-minute tape of the call, obtained by the Free Press, Sanchez told an emergency dispatcher he thought he and his wife were overdosing on marijuana.

"I think we're dying," he said. "We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do."

Globalization + War on Terror = Freedom Bath

Original Here

Raids across Germany on G-8 fears

By KIRSTEN GRIESHABER, Associated Press Writer Wed May 9, 8:00 AM ET

BERLIN - Police raided the premises of leftist groups in cities across Germany Wednesday on suspicion of a plot to attack next month's G-8 summit.

ADVERTISEMENT

More than 900 federal and local police officers in cities including Berlin, Hamburg and Bremen searched some 40 apartments or offices used by various leftist groups, federal prosecutors said in a statement.

The prosecutors said they were investigating more than 18 individuals suspected of organizing a terrorist group. They said they were focused on dismantling a Web server where many leftists and groups and projects maintained their internet sites and mailing lists.

"The militant extreme left groups and their members are suspected of having founded a terrorist group, or of being members of such an organization, with the specific goal of staging firebombings and other violent attacks in order to disrupt or prevent the upcoming G-8 summit," the statement said.

The Anti-Fascist Leftists of Berlin said the searches targeted activists who were organizing protests against the summit of the Group of Eight industrialized nations.

"The only point of these searches is to criminalize and disrupt the protests against the G-8," the group said. "The accusation that terrorists would coordinate their movements through a leftist-run Internet server is ridiculous."

Federal investigators have expressed concern the summit in the Baltic Sea resort of Heiligendamm could be a target for attack.

In December, anti-G-8 activists splashed paint on a hotel at the resort in northeastern Germany.

G-8 summits have often been a magnet for protests against globalization. At a summit in Genoa in 2001, the demonstrations turned violent, with protesters and police battling in the streets for days.

German security officials have built a $17 million fence around the resort in an effort to keep protesters from the event, hosted by German Chancellor Angela Merkel. The leaders of the United States, Russia, Britain, France, Italy, Canada, and Japan are also to attend.

Oh God, a meme

It is I. He, now known as “used to write a poker blog, sort of”.

The Head. Given leave to be a freak in new ways.

I wonder often as to why I have not been definitively shunned by the PoBlo Community* and forced to wander alone in the electronic wilderness searching for a new home given that any pretense to writing more than twice a year on the subject of poker is completely and utterly gone for the foreseeable future.

Color me happy. I love my degenerate, ghey pals.

*(sounds just as unwieldy as “poker blogging community”, but with a spiffy pop-PR veneer. Perhaps we can get a jump on things and create our own UN Habitat for Sustained Development before we’re all forced into enclaves with people we hate. We now have the name!)

As an aside, another thing I wonder about is why some (including myself) are so inclined to toss out personal “little known things” to the electronic masses. I hope it’s something deeper and more complex than abject narcissism, because if that’s true I’m gonna be kind of sad. I didn’t say I’d stop. I just said it would make me sad. Any further posts of mine you might read would simply have to be with the knowledge that I was sniffing and crying rivulets while compulsively typing like a heroin-addicted baboon with intimate knowledge of what he is. A horrifying thought, to be sure.

Or, Maudie (9th degree tagging professional) could be the NSA trying to build a psychological profile on me for future exploitation. Whatever the case, there seems to be some sense of “do I really want to do this?” that hangs about. Not that such thoughts ever stopped me before. I’m just sayin’.

Here are some little known things about me for your voyeuristic pleasure—

1. I’m black. I know, I look white. You’ll just have to trust me.
2. I’m constantly looking to squeegee my third eye. However you want to take that is fine with me. (if either way is true, does that count as two? I always have been an overachiever—oops, there’s three)
3. I’m one of those people, at least in part. I looked around one day and realized I had two miniature dogs with names beginning in the same letter like some suburbanite cutesy mushhead. Simon and Stella, who I treat for the most part like actual kids and refer to them as such at least half of the time. I should beat myself up.
4. I crapped my pants once in kindergarten. Full on. I still can’t talk very much about it. Although, nowadays I project supreme “I won’t soil myself” confidence by going full-time commando (dammit, that’s two again).
5. I still listen to Natalie Merchant’s Tigerlily at least twice a year. It’s some weird biomusicalogical clock thing. Why am I telling you people this?
6. I think Hitler was just misunderstood. Okay, that’s a dirty lie. I just wanted to get your mind off of #5 for a second.
7. I’m of the mind that it would be much better to be deaf than it would be to be blind. I could live without hearing much easier than I could without books. Seriously, the absence of books would be a devastating blow.

I'm terrible at these games.

Next Up—

Change100
Facty (who needs to be tagged multiple times, as she is missed)
Derek
Pauly (just because it will probably annoy him)

And a Happy Midlife Crisis to Ignatious, the biggest little guy evar.