Pre-trip Musings

The Vegas posts are coming fast and furious now. Here, let me add yet another. The anticipation running throughout the household is now palatable. Here is about the only serious question I have regarding the upcoming degenerate extravaganza.

When meeting a fellow blogger for the first time, what is the proper way to introduce oneself?

Really it’s a nonsensical question, but it keeps popping into my head because I have an inordinate fear of fucking it all up.

As we get closer to the inevitable, I find it increasingly amusing to watch the reactions that various people have when we tell them about heading out to Vegas?

O Wow! Going to see some shows, do a bit of gambling, and relax for your bitrthday?

This usually prompts a ‘look’ betwixt the wife and I…

No, we’re going for three days of drinking, gambling, and little sleep with a bunch of other poker bloggers.

Huh? What’s that?

Here’s where I think about explaining, but then just say fuck it.

We’re gonna go get drunk and play poker with a bunch of other degenerates from the Internet that we’ve never actually met in person before.

Cue quizzical look. They have no idea anymore whether or not to think this is a cool thing.

Umm, great. Trips to Vegas are always fun, have a good time...[trails off]

Cue my own smug feeling that I’m about to meet a great group of folks with the higher concentration of smarts and cool than one is likely to find anywhere else. This morning I thought of what I imagine to be the best description of this auspicious occasion:

WPBT II: The drunkenness of Mardi Gras minus the pageantry but plus the hookers and other strange shit.

One last thing I wanted to throw out there. I am continually shocked to find that the WPBT does not have some sort of alcohol sponsor. Hell, it truly boggles the mind as to why they’re not lined up outside the building throwing money at all of us, but I digress. I was thinking that as a contingent, we should make it an official goal to have an official alcohol sponsor no later than WPBT IV: The Search for Clean Pants. What alcohol, though? Beer or Liquor? Guinness and SoCo? Maybe we should just get a casino to sponsor the contingent and then they could flex their casino muscles to bring in the other sponsors…

Bloggers, so hot right now. Bloggers.

A bit of explanation

Starting off, I got a heads up from Baz concerning the latest Lord Admiral Card Club Radio Show , where I actually got a mention! Thanks for letting me know, and huge HUGE thanks to Stackstown for the pimping. Getting mentioned is great and made me feel like a bit of an ass (which seems to be a near daily occurrence at some point or another) when I checked out my link list and saw that I had Stacks but not the podcast site linked up. I corrected this oversight post haste, and stuck you guys on the top of the list. I have the last five episodes downloaded but have simply not listened to them yet, so having it at the top will remind me to get on it lest I get too far behind. Plus, it’s just fun to listen to and deserves to be up there. One thing is odd, though, and I wonder if this happens to anyone else: Every time I listen to the show I find myself thinking something along the lines of “Holy shit these are real people!” Of course I know that all of the folks that I read are real, but actually hearing them makes it more so, somehow.

Again, many heartfelt thanks for the mention.

Some of you perhaps are wondering why there hasn’t been much in the way of poker talk present on these here pages recently, so I thought it might be appropriate to offer some sort of explanation, and leave the ‘2005: Banner year for getting knocked up’ post and other random shit for another day.

Yes, yes, I’m busy, this is not news, so is the rest of the planet. More specifically though, on top of all the busy B.S., I have found that for the last 2 ½ weeks I can’t seem to bring myself to sit down at a table. I’ll sit and watch Mrs. Head play a SnG or two, but even watching her hasn’t tempted me to play. Normally, when this occurs (as it has twice before over the last 18 months) I go play a bit of live poker in K.C. and it re-energizes my desire to play the game. I would have already done this, but we’re so damn close to Vegas I figure I’ll just wait until then.

I debate nearly every day on whether or not I should sit, if for no other reason than to try and keep my game as sharp as possible, but I always come up with a “no”. I will get in a few sessions before we leave, plus I plan on going through SSHE (yet again), but by and large sitting down without bringing my best game and having my head in it will do more harm than good. This is especially important given the fact that my online bankroll is only around $1100 after dropping $400 or so on more toys, which is a nice segue into the other reason I haven’t played for the last couple of weeks….

I have become re-obsessed with video games and all things related. Granted, I have been obsessed with video games to varying degrees since I was about 7 years old and there have always been peaks and valleys with the obsession, but right now I seem to be peaking again. More specifically, I recently bought a Nintendo DS and have been playing the hell out of it, replaying a lot of my GBA games which look great on it (I think this has something to do with the brightness of the screen, but I digress), and playing a bunch of new Xbox games I have recently acquired, including Jade Empire, which is a kick-ass game. If you like RPG’s at all, you can pick up nearly anything from BioWare and it will be great. They are one of the best RPG development houses out there and Jade Empire is simply another in a long line of great titles. Also, as if you fellow video game lovers out there didn’t already know, this week is E3, so a lot of spare minutes here and there have been spent hopping over to GameSpot to get the latest. If you don’t know what E3 is, it’s like I told the Mrs. last night: E3 is like a week long super bowl for gamers, where all of the biggest companies present the newest and coolest stuff they’re working on, tell a bunch of lies, get us all hepped up, and then rarely live up to the expectations that they’ve fostered. Nevertheless, it’s tons of fun and always finds me being a sucker.

So, there you have it. I do have some actual poker posts in the pipe, I just need a bit more time to let my thoughts gel on the various subjects I have been pondering concerning the game. So, even though I haven’t been playing, I still think about it every day and I am continually getting tons of poker goodness from the other great bloggers out there. You all continue to help me keep my game as sharp as can be without actually playing, so thanks for that and thanks again for stopping by. Now I have to get back to my steaming pile of work and school whilst I try to ignore the Vegas anticipation that is near to killing me :)

The incredible shrinking days of our lives

I can’t believe I actually snatched a few minutes to write up a quick post. It’s definitely true when they say there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I’ve tried to take a more Zen approach and simplify a bit, but it’s like a bald, slightly tubby Hercules battling the Hydra. I “simplify” one thing, and several more non-optional things spring up in its place. This must be the wrong career field to try and go the simple route, meh.

Of the three times in my life that I’ve been to see a psychic, all of them told me that I was a slave in a former life. I find this odd for several reasons, the first being that all three said the same thing. Perhaps it is part of a psychic script they all use. The second thing I find odd is the fact that I also seem to be a slave in this lifetime, albeit one with a white collar (or if I’m feeling frisky, cornflower blue). Looks like I’ve still got some more shit to work out on the karma wheel, but hey, it explains a lot about my violent reaction to overbearing and unreasonable authority.

Not really sure why I felt compelled to share that, but there ya go. Oh, and should you think I am a supernatural, New-Agey looney toons type, I only take about 5% of all the psychic stuff seriously. (Why 5%? I try to never totally discount something, even if it is likely to be completely ludicrous. Well, unless you’re counting the people who say that poker is all luck and no skill, or Orrin Hatch. I totally discount those).

Well, I was gonna write more, but time is up. More tomorrow on how 2005 seems to be turning out to be a banner year for getting knocked up. (No, Mrs. Head is not pregnant, perish the thought)

Just some stuff

Goddamn I’ve been way out of it for the last couple of days. So out of it, in fact, that I completely spaced the final WPBT WSOP satellite. My bad. I guess in a sense it’s a good thing considering the way a certain badass motherfuckin’ card player was mowing folks down on the way to the top spot. AlCanSeetheFuture indeed.

I have come to the conclusion that nearly every single person in my town is lost. Sure they live here, but they have no idea where they’re going. Three separate times yesterday, someone came to near full stop so they could get over into the lane that they needed at the last minute, and one of those time was on the fuckin’ highway! I really need to find a way to get a hold of some ‘fuck you’ money so I can ram these people when it suits me. I think some of them just get into there car and drive simply out of habit, going twenty and deciding at the last moment that they have to turn in the most inconvenient spot.

So here’s my safety tip for the day: If you fuck up and miss your turn or exit, just keep going to the next one. This way, you and everyone else will go on living, and my head won’t explode. Seriously, these people are going to be the death of me.

With Vegas sooooooooooo damn close now, has the idea of Storming the Castle made any progress, or is everyone going to be hanging at the Rio watching our folks?

I also have a tentative bounty to offer, but I haven’t decided if it is it. I’m thinking I will offer a copy of one of my favorite CD’s. Tenacious D. No, not the rock one that came out a while ago, that one was pretty lame for the most part. This is all of the notable audio from all the Tenacious D episodes along with all of their songs done acoustic, the way they were meant to be.

In search of the Sasquatch, that was a kick ass in search of…..

D'oh! Sunuva...

Fun stuff to talk about, here we go…

Per BG and Al’s email extravaganza yesterday:

Most Likely To See The Grand Canyon - When you book your wife as your traveling companion to Vegas there Head, you should know damn well you're either going to be seeing the Hoover Dam on Friday with G- and Mrs. Rob, or holding shopping bags while your wife claps with giddy glee when AnimatronicZeus makes a proclimation welcoming you to your personal hell at the entrance to the Forum Shops. Good luck with that, maybe we'll get to see you when we go to Vegas in December.

While not quite right on the head of the proverbial nail, it was definitely a glancing blow and not a complete miss by any means. But I must take this small opportunity to defend the degenerate honor of the lady. Let’s see, first off. not booking Mrs. Head as a traveling companion will 99.5% of the time not be an option, and honestly, I really wouldn’t have it any other way. Why? The idea of taking a trip to Hoover Dam or the Grand Canyon makes her throw up in her mouth a little bit, that’s just my kind of lady. Besides, seeing those landmarks is what Discovery HD theater is for.

However, the nail was partially struck on one part of the above statement….shopping. Thankfully, the Mrs. fully realizes the intent and purpose of this trip and is only holding me to a trip through Sephora, which will be completed shortly after arrival so as not to interfere with the attendant festivities and force me into any heavy pimphandedness. She would like me to relate that she is quite looking forward to meeting everyone, including those she counts among her favorites, BG and Al. At this very moment all 102 lbs. of her is preparing to rip it up, blogger stylie yo.

And now, on to the secret shames…

Why I feel compelled to reciprocate secret shames is beyond me, but here I am, nonetheless. You would think that typing it out would be an easier thing than speaking it, but it’s really not. My hands are shaking a bit as I prepare, like some kind of lemming, to jump off the proverbial ledge…

Yesterdaywhile on the way to work there was a new BackStreet Boys song on the radio…..(deep breath)….and I didn’t immediately change the station. In fact, (oh god, it’s like an unpreventable train wreck) I found myself singing along with it. Unintentionally, of course.

For what it’s worth, upon my realization of doing this, I tried to throw myself from my vehicle while travelling 80 mph. Thanks to seat belt laws and the fact that there was no stewardess (or similar) available to show me how to work the buckle, this didn’t happen.

Sure, there are more shames lurking around in my life, but this one was particularly odious and difficult to lay bare, so I’ll continue later. Plus, since I have a few free hours I must ponder a suitable Vegas tournament bounty (excuses, excuses).

Have a great weekend, only a few more to go!

Scotch Questions

So, let me start out with a confession. Given the comments from scotch drinking notables like Chris, Mourn, and Gracie, I am obviously using entirely too much water. What can I say, I’m a rank amateur, with approximately a 1/3 water to 2/3 scotch mix. Here’s what I wonder: When taken neat there is the attendant bite and or slight burn on the palette, which is good sometimes (especially during cold weather conditions), but when toned down with water (hence no burn) does it really dilute the flavor that much that it makes a difference? On a scale of 1 to 10, how egregious is my scotch drinking crime? If I insist on using water and not drinking it neat, should I scale down a level from Glenlivet and others on or above its level until I gain a finer appreciation? I know it took me a while to really appreciate the finer vodkas and cognacs, so I expect that this won’t be any different.

Discussing liquor is fun. (Especially if there’s no poker to discuss)

Scotchy scotch scotch

I gotta get more on top of things, Wil beat me to the punch (as though anyone would have noticed if I had posted the link first, lol). I was going to link to the same article when I happened upon it yesterday, but I figured what the hey, it will be a good something for tomorrow since I’m not playing any poker at the moment. I promise I won’t go batshit about it here on these pages (at least for now, consider yourself warned), but pop on over and give it a read if for no other reason than to be aware of the situation.

If anyone gives a rats ass, here is my summary opinion of the latest goings on: We’re going to hell in a handbasket, one paragraph of bad laws at a time, and boy it’s really starting to add up to a crushing weight of bullshit. And seriously, I’m not saying that with any particular political party in mind, I think both are equally to blame. (OK, that’s not entirely true. I do think one is to blame more than the other, but not enough to make it worth focusing on)

Democrat or Republican, Liberal or Conservative, tree-hugger or tree-killer, I think we should all be extremely concerned.

Now, on to more pleasant things…..

I have discovered the wonders of Scotch. Glenlivet, to be more specific. It is the first bottle of Scotch I have ever purchased. You’re probably asking, “Why the heck did it take you so long?” I don’t really know. I only know that at the liquor store this weekend, I recalled many a post from other notable bloggers about their scotch consumption. Plus, the fancy bottles called to me with exhortations that I needed to partake in a more “adult” libation.

Fast forward four hours…..

I’m on my umpteenth scotch and water when I decide to take a gander at the bottle and find that it’s over half gone. Oops. I’m very drunk but strangely enough, quite lucid. I could get used to this. Scotchy scotch scotch, I love scotch. Given my drink of choice is normally a nice vodka or cognac, this is a big change, but one that I think will incorporate quite nicely.

However, my liver is frightened once again at fast approaching bend in the road. The Minister of Debauchery has planned a tournament after party in Vegas, and the venue will have forty different tequilas. After much consideration, all I can say is this…

[ HandiMan voice] Uh-oh! Sounds like trouble! [/HandiMan voice]

(If you don’t know or remember who HandiMan is, please refer back to the In Living Color archives)

Truly, it's one long session.

Go Wil. I was going to go on a long winded and emotional rant about this issue, but he says it better than I likely would have. Give it a read and become properly outraged. I’ve written so many damn letters to my reps my hand is turning into a claw and I’m near to joining the who gives a shit nothing is going to ever get done or improve ranks. Common sense is so yesterday.

The above is, of course, pretty illuminating as to the state of mind I happen to be in at the moment. My situation at work for the last 10 days has me feeling like I’m sitting at the table with a bunch of mediocre colluders and I’m holding middle pair with a weak kicker. The situation sucks and it pisses me off to no end, but for now I’ve got to lay down my hand and pick a better spot to defend. I want to stop the colluders at my table, but they go way back with the manager who isn’t going to kick them out of the poker room for any reason short of raping a small furry woodland creature directly in front of the general public. My hand is likely best at this point, but with two more to come I could easily get drawn out on and lose my entire stack. It sucks but I’ve got to beat my ego into submission and pick a spot where I’m more likely to take down the pot.

Poker is not only a great game. Using lessons learned at the table to cope with ludicrous amounts of workplace bullshit also makes it a great teacher when your righteous indignation is prompting you to do something that is, in the larger scheme of things, rash and unnecessary. So here’s the Thinking Big reminder of the day: It’s all one long session, and not just at the tables.

I've got nuthin'

I don’t have much to post today since I’m still mired in a heated battle and must concentrate on my corporate-fu, so stop by and read My Little Poker Blog’s kick ass post.

Serenity Now!

The next WPBT satellite is next Wednesday, go check out Iggy for the details. And wouldn’t ya know it? This one counts for leaderboard points and I can’t play. What on earth could make me miss? School. Goddamnit.

Holy poop on stick, Mr. Hat. I can’t wait till this week is behind me.

To say that this week hasn’t really been very good would be akin to saying that Fat Joe wasn’t really all that fat. I’ve been feeling the corporate pain. Big Time. Not quite ScurvyDog bad, but damn close.

For anyone who escaped and may be pondering a return to corporate life, please heed the entreaty of someone still mired in it: DON’T.

I would go into detail, but it’s exhausting, and I’m quite sure none of you all need or want to hear about it. Needless to say, I’m so worked up from this week that I don’t dare play a single hand of poker lest I end up taking out my frustration on an undeserving machine.

I see lot’s of drinks in my very near future. Vegas can’t come soon enough.

Notable Nugget

“Cards are merely the tools for manipulating money”
--Iggy

The above quote contributed to another ‘click’ moment. I had never heard put quite that way before, but let me say that it gave me a completely new perspective on this oftentimes infuriating game. Only time will tell, but that tiny statement may be the most important thing I have read about poker in quite some time. Why? As you can read just about anywhere, a HUGE part of this game is emotional control. To play great you need to exercise cold logic, be utterly rational, and not allow those pesky and swingy emotions to take over.

Of course, it’s easier to type about than to actually put into practice. With consistent play, such things become easier many times. However, when you play as little as I do (especially lately), emotional control (which=good play most often) can be lacking if one or more of the few sessions played turns out bad. At least in my case, this will many times lead to blaming luck, not catching a break, etc., when the simple fact is I haven’t used my tools correctly.

Granted, luck and randomness and all that DO play a part in this game. That said, let me say that the above tiny sentence merely helped shove the luck, etc., further onto the backburner, where it rightfully should be. When I sit down with my chips, I am the manipulator, the onus is on me. If I lose, more often than not it’s because I haven’t used my tools to manipulate things correctly within the current conditions of the game. The cards don’t use me, I use them, and I think on some subconscious level I had been thinking just the opposite, hence the emotional control breakdowns. If I choose to use a mediocre tool to try and manipulate things, I may or may not get the job done, but being a manipulator means that I can only blame myself, and being upset with myself is much easier to handle and correct than being upset at the cards and how they happened to run at a particular moment. After all, I can correct the way in which I handle the tools I’m given in a particular session, but the cards are how they are (or, if you speak jive, they is how they is).

But what about the chips? Aren’t those tools, as well? In my humble opinion, sort of, but I think that they play the role of augmenting your tools (cards) more than anything else. Perhaps using a gamer analogy will help make more sense, since I fear I’m not being completely clear. Let’s use a role-playing example. The character in question has a weapon/tool (the cards), and the effectiveness of it will many times be determined by the strength with which it is wielded. The chips are the strength that augments the use of your weapon/tool (the cards). If your weapon/tool is sub par, you can wield it with all of the strength (chips) at your disposal, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will beat into submission whatever is in front of you. In fact, if your weapon/tool is weak, worn, small (insert favorite euphemistic adjective here), you will likely only ding your adversary in a couple of spots before being crushed by the bigger, badder, and stronger weapon/tool.

Well, hopefully the above nerdy example helped clear the waters instead of further muddying them. I guess what I’m most trying to say is this: Take Iggy’s words and think about them, I mean REALLY think about them. Properly internalized, I think they go along way towards keeping detrimental emotions in the background where they should be and elevating your personal game.

Dirty Joke Day

Since I am short on time (which loosely translated, is also code for short on content) today, I thought a joke might be nice.

Warning for Puritans: THIS IS NOT A CLEAN JOKE.

Nearing the end of her freshman year in high school, Jane is surprised one day when the coolest senior in the whole school suddenly comes out of nowhere and asks here to go to the prom with him. Jane is completely bowled over, and is so excited she’s about to burst. Full of joy, she runs home to share the news.

“Dad! The coolest guy in the whole school just asked me to the prom, can I go?”

“Sure, but you have to blow me”

“What?”

“I said you can go if you blow me.”

“Disgusting! NO!”

So, spiraling into the depths of freshman despair and crying her eyes out, she runs upstairs and locks herself in her room. After a couple of hours worth of crying, she starts to think…

Well, it might not be so bad. I can just forget about it after it’s done, and then I can go to the prom. It will be worth it, I mean after all, he IS the coolest guy in the whole school.

Heading back downstairs she says, “OK, I’ll do it.”

Dad stands up and whips it out. “Alright, go to it.”

So Jane goes to work, but after about thirty seconds, she stops.

“Jesus, Dad, your dick tastes like shit!”

“Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the prom, too.”

Hee hee! Disturbing AND funny. Remember, I don’t do it for the money, I do it all for you guys. Back tomorrow.

WPBT Satellite: The Second Coming

Typically, Sunday nights aren’t too much fun. For most of us it means only a few more hours till we head back to work for another week. However, this Sunday was a bright spot that brought a second chance WPBT event to get a seat with Bob and Otis in the $1500 WSOP Event #2.

When I got my seat, all I could utter was a silent “well, crap”. I had The Blogfather directly to my left. I don’t remember who else was at the first table, because I was moved pretty quickly. Out of the frying pan and into the fryer, my second table had The Good Doctor, DonkeyPuncher, Lefty, Rantsofayoungmind, and JoeSpeaker , all great players. Well, what the hell am I saying? I would have uttered the same “well, crap” regardless of who I sat with…after all, this was a blogger tournament.

I didn’t play very well, but I didn’t embarrass myself this time, either. I finished in 24^th which was hella better than my previous performances. Funny thing though, I lost with those goddamn Hilton Sisters…AGAIN. The Fat Guy whipped out his AK pimp hand and smacked those bitches down.

Playing against bloggers is difficult. Normally trolling the low limits as I do, thinking stays on the first level and that’s it. With these folks, your game better be at a higher than normal level if you’re gonna make a good showing because they are no punks.

Go see Pauly for a complete tourney write-up. Congratulations to ABVidale on the win!

So close to Vegas, yet so far….only four more weeks. I think they’re going to likely be the slowest four weeks since I was a little kid waiting for Christmas.

I’m still EXTREMELY busy, so there’s not so much time for Thinking Big. Other than the tourney last night, I haven’t played any poker for the last week, which sucks. I plan on getting some intense sessions in before we head for Vegas, but for the next couple weeks they’re going to be few and far between. Meh.

Cock!

I spent this last weekend watching the original BBC The Office, and boy oh boy was it better than its newest incarnation on NBC. I still tried to watch the NBC version last night in the hopes that I would still like it since it was “different”. No dice. The original is so far superior it’s difficult to put into words. It’s funnier, darker, and inevitably smarter than the current incarnation. I think I know why this version is so lame by comparison; it’s obvious that the writers on our US version have to censor themselves, whereas in the British version they didn’t (or, if/when they did, it wasn’t obvious). .

Stupid uptight network TV. Last night they did say ‘cock’ though, so it’s a step in the right direction, if only the smallest of baby steps. After all, if network TV got its panties out of its ass, what would happen to the children? Won’t someone please think of the children!

I know, I know. Why don’t I just stop watching NBC? Because NBC to me is like Bill Lambeer or Christian Laettner. I loved hating those guys, and I love hating NBC. Besides, since I’m spending all of my time working or studying at the moment (sprinkled liberally with blog posting and reading), bagging on them is something fun I can think about while slogging through the aforementioned drudgery.

Want more inane and wild theories? I’ve got’em. My newest hypothesis is that the McDonalds and Pizza Hut marketing heads must be related. I think the McD’s sibling must be the better of the two, because I can actually recall one or two McD’s commercials over my short lifetime that didn’t make me want to hurl. I cannot for the life of me EVER remember a Pizza Hut commercial that didn’t cause another small part of my soul to shrivel up and die. Here’s how I imagine the scene at a deep-thinking Pizza Hut marketing strategery meeting:

Hey Jim, we have this great new Pizza! Instead of being round, this one is..wait for it…SQUARE! AAAND, along with the sauce that’s on the pizza, we give people MORE sauce to dip it in! Is that genius or what?

Great job, Dick! How many toppings can they have?

Well Jim, Pizza Hut wants to be generous to their customers, so we’re giving them one topping, and get this…it will cover the WHOLE PIZZA.

Amazing, Dick, simply amazing. Where do you guys come up with this stuff?

Well, Jim, it’s a lot of hard work coupled with an undying commitment to giving the best value to our customers.

[nods of agreement and serious contemplation of a solemn duty move through the room]

So Ted, how are we going to market this?

Are you ready, Jim? Instead of our usual masterful promotion, we’re going with a two pronged marketing blitzkrieg. We’ll have a current star on the commercial, PLUS we’ll have a celebrity do the voice over!

Boy howdy, Ted! That’s fantastic! But who ever will we get?

We were thinking we’d get Jessica and Ashlee Simpson for the commercial, and have Queen Latifah do the voice over, Jim.

[murmurs and nod’s of assent. Ashlee Simpson, so hot right now. Ashlee Simpson.]

Why Queen Latifah, Ted?

Oh Jim, that should be obvious, but I guess that’s why I’m the marketing go to guy! [insert hearty corporate belly laugh here from all involved] We want Queen Latifah because she was in that movie Chicago, so white people know who she is now and like her. PLUS, she’s still got hip hop credentials from back in the day, so black people still like her as well.

Boy, you guys are really on the ball, Ted. Say, isn’t Queen Latifah in that new movie, ooh you know, the one with the taxi and that funny guy? I just think she’s great.

[more assenting nods and murmurs. Latifah, so hot right now. Latifah]

But, hey Ted? Won’t these people want to get paid a lot of money?

Well sure, Jim. But the cost we pass on to our customers will be negligible.

Any idea how much?

Well Jim, we plan on running a special. Get this. One medium one-topping (remember, it covers the WHOLE pizza) for $1014.99. But it doesn’t end there. You can buy an unlimited number of extra small size pizzas for only $249.99 each! (Terms and Conditions apply. See participating store for details.)

Nothing short of amazing, Ted. We are the Microsoft of Pizza. Hey I think I’ll pitch that to the board at the next country club meeting, they’ll really get a kick out of that….

[more nods and murmurs of assent]

{END SCENE)

That’s all I have for today. Meh, back to studying.

I'm Rick James, bitch!

After reading the flipchipro account of the WPT Championship final table, my action is clear. I must go to Vegas and study under Tuan Le, holder of the nth degree black belt in sucking out. I’m in no way implying the guy is a shitty player. To make it to the final table in one of these events is a feat unto itself, but this Championship news coupled with his recently aired win on television confirms that he has indeed communed with the Suckout Deities.

So when you’re down to the last of your chips and contemplating a “fuckit” all-in w/ that 8-3 off in EP, just put this in your memory banks as another shining example of being down but never truly out.

It’s like déjà vu all over again, get your tickets now:

WPBT WSOP Satellite Tournament
Poker Stars
May 1st, 7pm EST
$30 + 3 No-limit
One WSOP seat awarded for every 50 players

Here’s to hoping that I can join Bob in the WSOP fracas. Yeah, maybe I’ll enjoy going into work today, too. Prolly not gonna happen, but ya just never know.

I’ve lately found myself pondering many things about the upcoming WPBT event. We’re coming in the afternoon of the 2^nd and flying out on the 6^th, which effectively means that I have about 2.5 days to destroy myself. 60 Hours give or take. How will I stay awake the whole time? OK, I can’t, so I need to devise a strategy. Should I try to sleep in small shifts, or enlist some pharmaceutical help? For those of you who are more frequently degenerate, any suggestions and strategies are quite welcome (and I say “frequently degenerate” in the best possible sense, so please take no offense). Whatever strategy I devise, I fully expect it to crumble once Mrs. Head and I get caught up in the whirlwind.

What else am I pondering? Well, lots of stuff, but the thing that is in the forefront (and won’t leave) for the moment is this; IF I win a seat to the event, and IF I can muddle my way to a final table, and IF I can knock someone out on said televised final table…

And I hollered, “I’m Rick James, bitch!”, would Dave Chappelle try to sue me?

As you can see, I have been doing entirely too much TV watching and poker dreaming. Dreaming Big, but my head is still Much Bigger. Just look for the guy with the childish Bobby's World avatar who is misplaying his Hilton's, see you at the tourney!

Huge Junk = Huge Win

The tourney last night was great! All 15 minutes of it. Goddamn Hilton sisters. I felt better that Pauly and Maudie went out around the same time I did, but couldn’t shake the tainted feeling that exiting because of poor play inevitably leaves. So, while I watched the bloggers that were still alive, I entered in the $10+1 MTT, and proceeded to bust about 75 places short of the money. To say my play is less than stellar right now would be a gross understatement.

Bob bested the entire field to take the seat wielding his twice confirmed huge stack. He also just turned 29, so if you haven’t yet, stop by his site to congratulate him on his momentous week. I wonder if ESPN will air a bunch of drunks chanting “huge junk” when Bob goes all-in at the final table.

Perspective Tidbits

Yesterday was a good day for gaining a bit of perspective. Whether it was one of the poker deities sending signs, God himself, or simply the all too human need to see patterns or signs where they don’t necessarily exist, I got a bit of the perspective I try to always look for. I just hope I can make it last more than a week.

The last 2-3 weeks have been a combination of the cards not running so hot combined with some admittedly sub-optimal (see: Idiotic) play. Last night is a good example. I jumped into a $10 + 1 PL tourney on Stars, just the type of tourney I normally excel in. Good hands were few and far between, but I was hanging tough, and with blinds at 150/300 I made a completely rotten bluff. I didn’t even have a longshot draw when I did it…dumb,dumb,dumb. So there’s my brief example of poor cards + poor play. More details would likely send you running away screaming from these pages.

The flash of perspective came while watching the final table of the US Poker Championships on ESPN before I headed off to work. John D’Agostino had his nearest competitor at the table outchipped over 4 to 1 and was well on his way to cruising into the win for over 700K. I won’t go into too many details and ruin the show for those who Tivo’d it or anything, but aside from one questionably played hand, D’Agostino proceeded to get drawn and quartered on every single good holding. Insult piling up on injury, culminating with Hoyt Corkins going for a blind steal (all-in with 87o), D’Agostino calling with pocket 10’s, and Corkins getting quad 7’s. D’Agostino lost it (but regained composure with admirable speed), and went home with 50K or so. A decent amount of money, to be sure, but when you have a seeming lock on the top 3 for a six figure payday, that pill must be VERY bitter.

Perspective? It happens online, and it also happens live, time and time again. I am not special. I am the all-singing all-dancing crap of the poker world (yes, that was a blatant Fight Club reference).

I also overheard a guy yesterday telling someone that he was facing eviction if the student financial aid bureaucracy didn’t quit dragging their asses, he was basically living off of a good portion of that money. The guy wasn’t some kid, he was mid-40’s, at least. Now, I’m reasonably sure that several poor choices along the way contributed to him being in this spot in the first place, but nonetheless it snapped on the bulb illuminating the good fortune I do have.

Perspective? Granted, I’ve put in a lot of work, but I’m still very fortunate to be in a position to sit around and play poker like a struggling donk, whine about running bad, brag about running and playing well, etc. There’s a lot of folks out there that have things much worse.

Well, it’s that, or the entire thing is rigged to the tits and I’m seeing lessons and patterns where none exist. Again.

Long and Completely Fantastical

Not sure how creative this will be, but what the hell (and please pardon any grammatical errors)…

Like anything momentous in a person’s life, there is always that one hurdle that had to be surmounted before gathering ones self and pushing towards the top. My hurdle was the WPBT blogger event for the $1500 NLHE seat. Winning a tournament is difficult in the best of circumstances, but luck was on my side, and coupled with some major patience, I made it through.

I am unfadeable. (Check your hip hop lingo dictionary if this term is unfamiliar)

As we arrive at the Golden Nugget, the history of old Vegas begins to do a slow creep into my bones. It speaks to me in that primitive way that cannot be heard, it can only be felt. For the first time in quite a while, I am the Chosen One. I only have a few hours before I have to sit in the first major tournament I have ever played in, and there are a couple of things that must be done beforehand…..

I must find Iggy and AlCantHang.

The desire to find all of the other bloggers coming to Vegas is there, but the time to do it is not, so I have to prioritize. Before leaving for Vegas I was sure to make all of the appropriate burnt offerings to the various poker deities, but if I don’t complete these last two things, there’s no telling how it could affect my fortune. (For the record, the poker gods consider throwing several fish on the grill appropriate) I needed to be blessed by a couple of the degenerate saints that inhabit this community. Showing up without my blessings would be akin to…well…showing up to a WSOP event with no pants. What blessings, though?

I need to shake Iggy’s hand and say ‘Thanks’ for setting the whole thing up. I also want to give Otis my thanks as well since I know he had some kind of hand in the thing. Perhaps they will be together and I can kill two birds with one stone, ensuring rock solid karma. Shit, I have no idea where Iggy is at………but Al probably does.

Time to head over and search all of the bars at the Plaza. This is where I will likely find him and accomplish my first task: Drink a double shot of SoCo with the master. I’m not such a big fan of SoCo, but after reading the stories, I know that it has carried Al through many days, both good and bad. If it can carry him, it can carry me.

I should have known. I don’t need to find Iggy or Otis, they are right there at the bar with everyone else, where Al is holding court and putting giant dents in the Las Vegas liquor supply. In one swift shot, literally and figuratively, my tasks are accomplished and I get to quickly meet all of these great folks before I have to head over to the event. To my surprise, everyone is coming to the start of the event, and the weight of representing the community well gets a bit more noticeable. The SoCo is kicking in though, reinforcing the fact that….

I am unfadeable.

The community arrives. Someone from ESPN comes up and asks something inane about the arriving ‘blogger crew’ they have heard about. I quickly admonish the person, clarifying the small but important fact that this is a contingent and not a ‘crew’. After all, any loose associations to “The Crew” are unwanted and unnecessary. This group will win your money, not swindle you out of it. So admonished, the crew member skulks back to the hole from whence he came. .

The play begins, and the most surprising thing about it is that very few people are playing much better than a drunken monkey at a $5 Party Poker table. Like chaff being separated from the wheat, the monkeys are separated out and we are in the money within a record breaking short period of time, and play for the day ends, finding me with a healthy stack.

After weathering a long night overflowing with amounts of nervous energy and very little sleep, it’s time to play the second day. Pocket Kings get cracked in the early going, and I spend the rest of this day fighting with the “Fuck it” guy in my head and stay patient. I manage to double a couple of times in the face of withering aggression, and end the day with a spot at the final table. My stack is short by comparison, and no one, least of all me, can quite believe it. TV crews seek bloggers for interviewing; Iggy gets outed when he is ambushed by a UPN TV crew. No one can figure out what the hell UPN is doing there, but then someone realizes that no one watches that channel anyway, so it’s not like he really got outed. All is well. As far as the rest of the world knows, Iggy is still a dwarf.

It’s final table time. I really want to crap my pants, but I can’t, seeing as how I travel commando, and all. Al tries an infusion of SoCo, but this time it doesn’t help. I have a short stack at the final table in a big event, and nothing will cure the nervous shakes. Then, like rays from heaven, I look into the beaming and serene face of one Mr. McGrupp.

“Looks like you need a bit of help from Mr. Leary”, he says, as he passes me a note only slightly larger than the edge spots of the chips I will be handling in a few minutes time.

As I take my seat, the unwritten words of the note begin a full frontal assault on my senses, and suddenly, I know everything I need to. As my everyday consciousness recedes, I find myself correctly translating words and actions which were previously hidden. Losing time causes all play at the final table to be a blur, except for snippets of called all-in bets with me serenely walking over to the rail to receive a fortifying double SoCo from Al as the flop, turn, and river are dealt. Coming out the other side, I find myself heads up with…….. The Hammer.

I raise big, but I get reraised a middling amount. The wisdom of the tiny note imparts to me the knowledge that I already posses; my opponent is holding Aces or Kings. There is quite a bit of money between first and second, but the second place is still nothing to sneeze at. Boy that bracelet sure is nice. I know I can outplay this guy and win, but I feel the weight of the community. They would want to see the hammer, so I push.

And lose.

I didn’t really expect to beat that pair of Kings. After all, it is the worst hand in poker, but that doesn’t mean that my read was incorrect. In showing the courage to pick up that Hammer and wield it with strength, only the minimum attention is paid to the winner. People want to know about bloggers and The Hammer, Vegas is fairly buzzing at this rare display. Party Poker begins discussions over getting rid of the High-Hand Jackpot and instituting a Hammer Jackpot. Al picks up an endorsement from Southern Comfort due to the shots he handed me on the rail. His new moniker is “The SoCo Sidekick”, and the company will be sending him on drunken world tour to promote their product. No one really knows where Mr. McGrupp went off to. Most likely he’s wandering a twilight desert discussing Nietzsche with someone’s ghost and writing fantastic accounts of the events he is supposed to be covering.

Me? I’m still unfadeable, and will be for the foreseeable future.

(Good idea BadBlood, that was fun)

Min Bet Monkey Swarm

Boy, it’s been a while since I’ve been this happy about it being Tuesday. Yesterday was farkin awful, which makes me kind of happy since it makes it even more unlikely that the rest of the week could be worse. Then again, you never know…

You know it’s time to give up on (insert day of the week here) when the best thing on TV is Steven Seagal. Granted, it was Marked for Death which was the coolest movie ever when I was 14, but that was nearly 15 years ago; not so much anymore.

What to do? Fire up the gambling machines. Mrs. Head is still plugging away at the $5 SnG’s and her game is making quite a few leaps, even if her starter bankroll is not. She’s taken some vicious beats over the last month, culminating in her first ‘my opponent hit his one outer’ beat. It was brutal, but to her credit she keeps her head about her a lot better than I do in similar situations, taking a 3^rd place finish last night. I fired up a $1/2 table and a $5 SnG and ended up taking a 2^nd place along with ending up about 5BB at the Limit table, which was pretty rocky, but what the hell I wasn’t there for very long.

OK, enough with the long windedness concerning trivial things. While the Mrs. and I are playing and discussing the bad, horrible, atrocious, appalling, etc. play on the $5 level, both of us tried to come up with an explanation for the latest epidemic on the low limit SnG’s. This is something that has always been around to some extent, but it seems to have gotten much worse as of late.

Example: Early stages (10/20) and someone raises to t100, which 4 other nits call, of course. The pot is t500 or so, monkey min bets, is raised to t220 and calls. Turn comes and the monkey min bets again, gets raised and calls. River comes….oh, another min bet from the monkey! Of course, another raise comes and monkey calls to show bottom pair and lose.

It gets even more amusing when other players try to bluff the min bet monkey, and they do try frequently. Don’t think I’m complaining, these players are absolute gold, but what’s the deal? I am seriously curious how this technique is being perpetuated as good practice. Regardless of who is teaching that this is good NL technique, and regardless of the conditions causing the increase in it’s acceptance, it’s getting pretty bad (or I should say good). In the last three tiny buy-in SnG’s I’ve played, four or five of the nine players were min bet monkeys.

Human Head Tip of the Day: If you want to relax with some poker and make a bit of money while not having to invest more than peanuts, take some time and frustration out on the recent swarm of min bet monkeys. It’s good fun, very relaxing, and doesn’t do damage to the roll.

Seriously, mini-Blood could run over most of these. Well, maybe that’s not a good example. Judging from the stories, he’d likely wipe the floor with me, as well.

More Cube Chronicles

I am Nick Burns.

I wasn’t always like this.

When I came into my job, I was really pumped. Sure, I have to deal with some users every now and again, but how bad can that be? I’ll just educate them, help them out, and all will be well as time goes by. Then I can devote my time to system improvements and other problems that are worth fixing, right? I’ll be nice, gently guiding my users down the path to personal tech enlightenment, and together we will achieve workplace nirvana.

Oops.

I’ve known it all along, but today it finally dawned on me with weird sort of finality. Users are frikkin’ incurable idiots. What makes it really bad is that they are idiots who care very little about their idiocy, and even less about trying to gain enough knowledge to propel them up from ‘complete vegetable’ to ‘mildly functional retard’ user status.

Sure, no one knows everything about everything, least of all me. But damn, is learning how to not hit ‘Reply to All’ on an email really that difficult? How about dragging and dropping? Sometimes I wonder, do these same people end up frozen in their driveways on random mornings straining with effort and whining at the huge intellectual leaps required of them to start their car?

I used to think Nick Burns was just a pompous uber-techie, but I was wrong. He is simply resigned to his fate until he can get promoted further down the techie rabbit hole, that wonderful place where there are no users. Being nice is simply too much wasted effort, and now I am him and he is me.

Moooove!

(If you are reading this, no matter how dumb you think you are, you are not one of the folks I speak of. You can find and read a blog. If I said the word “blog” around any of these, they would likely think I was swearing at them in Klingon or talking about a strange foreign food. Thanks for reading about my frustration.)